6355 - Saturday jokes

Space alien: Take me to your leader.

Earthling: You've sort of come at a bad time. (Bilbo)

MAGA: Yay, Trump's cutting off freeloaders!!

ALSO MAGA: Hey why is my food stamp card not working!?

I'm trying to see things from your perspective, but I just can't make myself that dumb.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. 

They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

In a surprising trend, MAGA supporters are demolishing the East side of their houses.

Had an elderly boss who got scammed out of $5000 in a "your mac is infected" call. I told her it was a scam and reported it to Chase credit. That night, she called the scammer, angry. "I'm sorry". he said. "I'll refund you! What's your debit card info?"

Guess what she did...

Going to bed the other night, I saw people stealing from my shed.

I called the police, they said no one was available.

So I called back a minute later.

"No need to hurry now, I shot them".

Within minutes, half a dozen cop cars, helicopters, and an armed unit showed up and caught the thieves.

Officer: "I thought you said you shot them!"

Me: "I thought you said no one was available".

Never trust a person who doesn't like dogs. 

But always trust a dog that doesn't like a person.

Coffee mug saying...

I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

I was gonna start dieting, but Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Before you know it, it's BBQ season again and I'm not about to turn down a cheeseburger.

My Girlfriend yelled at me, "Stop it with all your corny jokes!"

I said, "What are you gonna do, call the crops?"

After Tarzan and Jane have gotten to know each other for a while, they finally decide to become intimate. Tarzan has never been with a woman before, so Jane asks him what he normally does when he has... Urges. "Tarzan find tree with hole." "Well, just do to me what you do to the hole in the tree." Tarzan gives a grunt of understanding, and Jane lies down, closes her eyes and opens her legs. Then, out of nowhere, Tarzan delivers a devastating punt to her crotch. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" "TARZAN CHECK FOR BEES."

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was out in the garage organizing his golfing equipment. His wife came to the door and after a long period of silence, she said, “Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. I’m sure you could probably get a good price for your clubs.” Tim got a horrified look on his face. His wife said, “Darling, what's wrong?” Tim shook his head and said, “For a minute there, you started to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “I didn't know you were married before!” He gave her a pointed look and said, “I wasn't.”

A man and wife were sitting in their easy chairs... she was watching TV and he was reading.... she said, "Sam, if I died, do you think you would get married again?" He didn't drop his paper and replied, "Oh, I don't know... maybe, I guess..."

She was taken aback. "What? You'd actually marry another woman after me?!"

"I guess -- I don't know..."

"Well, would you give her my golf clubs, too?"

"No, she's left-handed."

When do flowers get their workouts in?

Spring training.

What time does everyone love to drink?

Wine o'clock.

What did police have to do when 500 hares got loose downtown?

They had to comb the area.

Why do cows go to New York City?

To see the moo-sicals.

A bear that got wet from a light rain is called what?

A drizzly bear.

Where do dads store their dad jokes?

In the dad-a-base.

What do you call Dracula with hay fever?

The pollen Count.

Where do sports teams go to buy new uniforms?

New Jersey.

What do you call an enlisted man who loves to cook?

A grill sergeant.

I just got my electricity bill and I think there's been a mistake. I believe they've charged me for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light, the light fantastic, and the light at the end of the tunnel. (Bilbo)

A dog will love you more than any person. 

But they’ll also steal your sandwich.

#ANALBUMCOVER

I read it wrong too, that's why we're friends.

I met my friend’s new girlfriend. The white coverall suit, helmet, and the smell of honey was enough for me to tell him she was a keeper.

My friend Bob went skydiving. He misunderstood and brought a pair of shoes.

I'll miss Bob. (Think about it, I had too.)

I’m collecting my thoughts. I almost have a full set. (Bilbo)

Facebook has taught me a couple of things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

No parent ever turned the car around.

It was an empty threat that we all fell for.

I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when "hashtags" were called pound signs. (I still call them that.)

Bruce Lee had a brother who was always precise. His name is Exact Lee.

Had a real good fighting brother named Brutal Lee.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Running is a great way to meet new people. Today, I met two EMTs, three nurses, and a cardiologist.

My fondest childhood memory is thinking $100 was a lot of money.

Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM, and the clock strikes midnight - It's the same crap, different day.

Having kids makes you realize how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.

You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

My body isn't a temple. It's a haunted house. It needs a lot of work, makes mysterious creaking sounds, and contains the spirit of a creepy old man that's always mad about something.

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken. It's a poultrygeist. A fowl spirit. I'm going to call an eggsorcist, to help it cross to the other side.

The day when I can yell, “Where is my phone?” and it yells back, “Down here in the couch!” Then it will really be a smartphone.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

I might wake up early and go for a jog. I may also win the lottery. Odds are about the same.

A bill collector called me saying, "Your bill is now a year old." I said, "Tell it Happy Birthday," and hung up.

I Googled "Who gives a crap?"

My name wasn't in the search results.

(But https://us.whogivesacrap.org does apparently give a crap.)