6360 - Saturday jokes

A girl once told me, "If you lost 45 pounds, you'd be cute".

I told her, "If I lost 45 pounds, I'd be talking to your friends."

She told me, "If I sit on your face, I legally own you. Squatters rights".

If you want flowers on February 14th, plant them now.

Some people call them swear words.

I call them sentence enhancers.

Classy toilet paper is called butt napkins.

I think cheating should affect your credit score.

If she can't trust you, why should Capital One?

A teacher at a Jr. High and was walking behind two 7th graders in the hall…

Boy 1: You’re a moron

Boy 2: No I’m not, I’m a Baptist.

1st guy: Your wiener is the size of a Tic-Tac.

2nd guy: That's why your mom's breath smells so good.

My female Dr. was looking at me without my shirt off. I figured she was looking at my muscles and she said, "You're an old beast'. I said, 'thank you'. But then my wife said, "Turn up your hearing aids. She said, 'You're Obese'.

Calling Donald Trump a sociopath feels like stating water is wet.

If I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it with beer.

It's called the Heineken maneuver. 

Today I went to a new dentist and there was only one other person, a guy, in the waiting room. Shrek 2 was playing on the TV and we both just watched the whole movie, waiting for someone to call us in. When the movie ended, the guy stood up and called my name. He was the damn dentist!

A doctor had his Rx pad stolen.

The next day he gets a call from a pharmacy regarding a suspicious script.

"Methamphetamine - one pound - to go"

He has it framed in his office.

The only thing that healed faster than Erika Kirk's heart was Donald tRUMPs ear.

The worst part of the JD Vance/Erika Kirk embrace is that his wife can't even punish him by making him sleep on the couch.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a round. He hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later, it’s that voice again, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

When I buy a pack of a dozen ribs, I only eat ribs 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11.

I prefer prime ribs.

Republicans are so upset you'd think NYC elected a rapist with 34 felonies.

Q: Why would the Grim Reaper need a scythe if he can kill people just by touching them?

A: Because he's the Grim Reaper and he needs a scythe to reap. Otherwise, he would be known as the Grim Toucher and that might get him on a list.

I just realized this year's Christmas will be 25/25/25.

It has begun! After only 2 days of Mamdani becoming the new NYC mayor, they're teaching Arabic Numerals in NYC schools!

Me: “Change is inedible”

Wife: “You mean inevitable”

Me: *spitting out several nickels* “I do not”

Vegan food isn't that bad once you add meat and cheese to it.

When I dunk my cookies in milk I think of you.

I hold them under until the bubbles stop.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I just heard Walmart is giving free turkeys to anyone who can outrun security.

Bruce Lee had a brother who was really clumsy.

His name is Accidenta-Lee.

I don’t know how to describe it but 72 degrees with the heat on and 72 degrees with the A/C on are two totally different temps. (Humidity)

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

Sneezes are basically just face farts.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

Are oranges named oranges because oranges are orange, or is orange named orange because oranges are orange?

It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

I get confused by all the yard signs. 

I think I may have voted for a realtor.

I don't understand why it isn't socially acceptable to choose to be nocturnal. The angry hot sky ball is gone, my internet is fast, and everyone finally shut up. What's not to like?!