6381 - Saturday jokes

As the old saying goes, (from the St. Louis street Department), if you want to snow plow a street, you’ve got to total a few Chevies.

Sam was a high steel worker.  Loved his job building skyscrapers. Worked without an accident until he was forced to retire at 75.  After retiring he devoted himself to his hobby of ice climbing.  Sam passed away peacefully in his sleep at 99.  Instead of Saint Peter and a choir of beautiful Seraphim's, he was met at the pearly gates by a bedraggled, exhausted angel with one wing dragging the ground,  torn robes, halo bent, drooping over one eye.  She hugged him and said, “Welcome to Heaven, Sam.  I am Daniella, your Guardian Angel…..”

I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place last night (I won't name them), placed it on the kitchen work top and as I was getting plates, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that?! Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as the bag was moving around, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor, frying pan in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down and there it was ....

A Peeking Duck!

I am no longer allowed to go caroling at the psych hospital.

I guess "Do you hear what I hear" was a bad song choice.

Doctor in packed waiting room: Due to new privacy regulations, we can no longer use patient names in the waiting room. Will the patient with the itchy vagina please follow me.

I was called into my managers office because of my dress code.

He said, "You can't wear pajamas for work."

I said, "Everyone else does."

He said: "That's because they're PATIENTS!"

It's maddening when the ATM charges you $3 to get your own money, then tells you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.

Next week is diarrhea awareness week.

Runs until Friday.

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”

My brain has 47 tabs open, 3 are frozen, 1 is playing music, and I have no idea where it's coming from.

My goal weight is the weight where I can trim my toenails and breath at the same time.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company relocated and didn't tell me where.

I've reached the age where I drive around and say, "Dang, I remember when this was all woods!"

The difference between me and Superman is...

He has super vision.

I require supervision.

Heat makes things expand. So I don't have a weight problem. I'm just hot.

All I want for Christmas is the housing market to crash so I can buy a 5 bedroom house for $100.

My circle is so small that when my phone rings I know it’s scammers.

In the 1950s carjacking had a totally different meaning.

Me: Robot, prove to me that trans women are real women.

Robot: Conservative men harass them on the internet, threaten them in public, consider them inferior, and take away their rights.

TV time...

Him: Wanna watch porn or golf.

Her: Porn, you already know how to play golf.

Just had my phone incorrectly autocorrect 'ducking' to 'fucking', which means I've won!

How does failure feel, demon box.

I swallowed a bunch of synonyms yesterday.

Gave me the thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Where are all the flat earthers?

They're at home trying to figure out why it's night time.

I started a dating site for chickens.

It's not my day job.

I just do it to make hens meet.

I lost three fingers on my right hand.

I asked my doctor if I was ever going to be able to write with it again.

He said maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.

So yesterday my wife asked me if I could clear the dinner table.

Even with a running start, I didn't come close.

If you believe a president who pardons drug dealers is fighting a war on drugs by sinking small boats, I don't know how to help you. (Bilbo)

I just learned a new expression: "Schrödinger’s Douchebag" - someone who says offensive things and decides whether or not they were joking based on the reactions of people around them. (Bilbo)

I need to get in shape. If I were one of those victims in a crime show, my chalk outline would be a circle. (Bilbo)

My granddaughter once asked me, “Do trees poop?” I said, “Of course they do … that’s where #2 pencils come from." (Bilbo)

We took our son to the countryside, he was about 4, he blurted out, look mom, dad, it's chocolate cows, that is where chocolate milk comes from. (Bilbo's friend Joy)

I’ve been looking for my sanity, but I think it ran off with my motivation, the matching socks, and half of the Tupperware lids. (Bilbo)

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt.

"You only lasted 2 minutes." Husband replies, "It was doggy style, so that’s like 14 minutes."