6386 - Saturday jokes

Headline..

Cops beat Chinese man after asking his name.

"I've lost all faith in our police" Says Fuk Yu.

Can’t wait to add my pretend $2,000 tariff check to my pretend $5,000 DOGE check so I can stock up on my pretend $2.00 a gallon gas.

Somebody just asked me if I’m ready for Christmas … hell, I’m not even ready for this afternoon.

Calling autism a disorder assumes neurotypicals have some kind of order. They don’t — they’re just the majority.

"TikToker gets plastic surgery on her nose so her future children will inherit her new nose."

US: We're not going to make it, are we? Humans, I mean.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.” Now I’m living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

*****

From Kathy... Thanks!

*****

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!" 

Where do plants invest their money?

In the stalk market.

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly-rancher.

What kind of undergarments does a lawyer wear?

Legal briefs.

Why can't the bank manager ride a bike anymore?

He lost his balance.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with an elephant?

An animal that tells you everything  it remembers.

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. 

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. 

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

What do you call a short cow?

Condensed milk.

What's a cat's favorite song?

Three Blind Mice.

If you need help building an ark...

I Noah guy.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

*****

I pirated a movie last night.

I gave it 3.14 stars.

(Think about it.)

ICE is asking people to quit calling its hotline to report an undocumented girl named Anne Frank hiding in the attic of a republican lawmaker.

Him: How do you feel about sex?

Her: I like it infrequently.

Him: Is that one word or two?

At Ford we listen to our customers. You asked for a place to nap while waiting for the tow truck and we delivered. Fold flat front seats!

I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. It’s multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever. (Bilbo)

Let's admit that drinking bleach and shoving a UV light up your ass is the closest we've gotten to a republican healthcare plan in the last 16 years.

Two things have happened since 1965. TVs have gotten thinner and I have not.

Milking stools only have three legs because the cow has the udder.

A girl asked me if she was wearing too much makeup.

I told her it depends on whether or not she's trying to kill Batman.

Gynecologist: What are you using for birth control?

Her: My personality.

They say sniffing holly and rosemary will improve your memory.

I sniffed them both.

Rosemary slapped me and Holly kneed me in the nuts.

I don't remember much after that.