6389 - Saturday jokes

My brain just logged me out due to inactivity, and now I can't remember my password. (Bilbo)

Dear every Doctors Office and Hospital in the world: we do not want to see FOX NEWS on the freaking TV!

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished'. And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished'.

Ideally, the president wouldn’t be someone whose face was featured on novelty condoms at the rape palace of history’s most notorious pedophile.

tRUMP can't even flip a coin correctly at a football game. Explains how it's Biden's fault.

When he dies, we'll be told to be respectful.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Well, I thought that service had really improved. Wrong. I called in today to report some drop wires hanging in the road. The service rep took my info and said a man will be out within 2 hours. Sure enough in 39 minutes a tech called to say that he was on the way. I thought, that’s great, that’s the way service used to be. In a little bit the tech called to ask me if the wires were in the alley or in front of the house. I said that there isn’t any alley. He then said are you in Wisconsin because that’s where I am. I said no I’m in Alabama. So much for the good service. I hope they pay him travel time.

My co-worker's last name was Null. The HR department had to rename him to "Empty String" just so their monthly report queries would stop breaking.

I got fired yesterday. My boss told me to leave my problems at the door when I came to work. I told him to go stand outside.

Hi Peter,

Thanks for your interest in the analyst position. Unfortunately, you are not the right fit for the position at this time. Best of luck in your job search.

Sincerely,

Daniel

Hi Daniel,

I've been working here for a month.

Peter

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only have 8 toes. 

She was lack toes intolerant!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill?

A lambslide.

I have reviewed the request to get out of bed and become a productive member of society today, and I would like to respectfully decline. (Bilbo)

...

John's reply...

My sole contribution to society is that of a consumer.

I do not claim to be nor desire to be a productive member of society.

The sharp wit and smart-assery I learned from my curmudgeon mentors is rarely credited as productive even though it does add an element of joy to my own life.

And while I'm at it -- GET OFF MY LAWN!

What makes me cheerful?

When someone's cutting wrapping paper and the scissors go cssssssssss and not jkfkzjkfkzjkfkz.

tRUMP: Numerous states introducing bible literacy classes, giving students the option of studying the bible. Starting to make a turn back? Great!

Commenter: According to the bible, you should be put to death for adultery.

OB Doctor: Hi, I'm Juan, and I'll be delivering your baby.

Dad: OB Juan, you're our only hope!

Mom: Doc, don't put his name on the birth certificate.

I want to throw a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says,

“What the f**k is that thing?”, and then that's where I'll live.

I'm collecting dildos and vibrators for the holidays. I'm giving them to all the 'Karens' that need to go f**k themselves. I'm calling them "Toys for Twats".

If alcohol can affect short-term memory, then imagine what alcohol can do!

Nurse, explaining EMS to her patient...

"Medics are basically feral nurses who live in mobile hospitals".

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it. 

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I'm sure that must have been a record.