Sign on the back of a pickup truck...
Motherf**kers stole my plate. Called 911. They wouldn't send anyone out. Went to DMV. They need an officer to sign paper. PLEASE pull me over!
1 out of 3 tRUMP supporters are just as stupid as the other 2.
Just so we're clear: We wouldn't be in NONE of this mess if they had just believed Anita Hill.
My Christmas rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It's also raisin free. And cake free.
OK it's just rum.
If you see a blonde white woman wearing a cross on Fox News, you know you're about to hear the most anti Jesus shit you've ever heard in your life.
When I was 5 I swore that bird seeds grew birds, thus the name. My parents asked me to prove it so I planted a pile of bird seeds in the backyard. The next day there were loads of birds where I planted the seeds, thus proving I was right.
I was sent to HR after saying my coworkers are like Christmas lights...
They all hang together, half don't work, and the rest aren't that bright.
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, "Don't forget your hat."
tRUMP is expected to rename the San Andreas fault to Joe Bidens fault.
Sometimes I feel down. But then I remember I could have been born with an IQ low enough to think tRUMP is an amazing president.
We are at the stage of authoritarianism where we are watching bootlegged news from Canada.
I threw a boomerang a few years back.
I've been living in fear ever since.
I'm looking for people who are interested in turning $100 into $4000. This is not a pyramid scheme. We will be selling crack.
Never cheat in a limbo contest.
It's the lowest thing you can do.
R.I.P. boiled water.
You will be mist.
What is it called when a teacher breaks a bone in July?
A bad summer break.
A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
What runs all day but never gets tired?
Water.
What do cows say when you milk them?
I'm udderly grateful.
What is the ideal job for someone who loves to eat?
A forklift driver.
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
If you get a link called 'free porn' don't opin it. It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and screws up you witing. I also receibed it but lukily I don't uaatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. Wanks.
I put my bathroom scale in the corner and that's where that little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly. Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke!
My kid asked if we could hang out and do a puzzle. I said sure. Then he said a crossword. Fine. Then sudoku. Okay. Then he goes, can we do connect-the-dots?
That’s where I draw the line.
What has 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat, and 2/4 goat?
Chicago.
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Its parents were in a jam.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I'm surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but is not a dad?
A Faux Pa!
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What will be the final product Apple will ever produce?
iQuit.
Jesus stood up and said “I’m the son of God” and the people were like “no way”
And Jesus said "Yahweh"!
Right after they have sex, a man asks his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
She replies, "Because you told me not to call you at work."
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