6597 - Saturday jokes

Grocery shopping is just paying money to still not know what to make for dinner. (Bilbo)

The reason we believe facts and science is not because we're "liberal." It's because we're "literate."

tRUMP is the kind of asshole that other assholes look at and say "Now THERE'S an asshole".

I used to be a libtard.

Then I was a snowflake.

Then I was woke.

Now I'm radical left scum.

It's good to evolve.

I was wrapping Christmas gifts in the morning and nobody else was here so I had to bop myself over the head with an empty wrapping paper roll.

tRUMP says his life was better before becoming president. 

Interestingly, our lives were better too.

White supremacists use the bible to justify their racism.

Problem is, there are no white people in the bible.

I’m at that age where the most exciting text I get is, "Your prescription is ready for pickup." (Bilbo)

When you lack the vocabulary to explain how stupid you are...

wear a red MAGA baseball cap.

Believing facts and trusting science doesn't mean you're "liberal".

It just means you can read.

Some definitions...

Coffee - the person upon one coughs.

Flabbergasted - appalled over how much weight you've gained.

Willy-nilly - impotent.

Negligent - you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph - walking with a lisp.

Flatulance - an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Circumvent - an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Frisbeetarianism - the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof an gets stuck there.

A MAGA man said, "I'm tellin' you, just one more tax cut for the rich and it's bound to trickle down to us!"

Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass med school. So you better start eating healthy now.

Two cowboys were lost in the desert.

One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” 

He runs up to the tree and gets shot at.

It wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush. (John)

It's hard to argue with a woman that's braless when she's already made two outstanding points.

#ANALBUMCOVER

I read it wrong too.

That's why we're friends.

New Year, New Me...ntal issues.

I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart, but … uh ... I forgot where I was going with this, but I do love bacon. (Bilbo)

A kid born in 2010 is now 26 years old. 

Wrap your head around that one and feel old. ... wait...

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking.

I've picked June 5th, July 17th, and October 9th.

Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7!

Reminder that during the holidays, no matter how much chocolate you eat, your shoes will still fit.

It was only when I bought a motorcycle that I found out that adrenaline is brown.

If we removed all the margarine from Earth...The world would be a butter place.

You know Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother... Sudden Lee.

We should start seeing Valentines Day stuff in stores anytime now.

I finally know why they call me a grown up.

I groan every time I get up.

My age doesn't bother me. 

It's the side effects.

It's time for some early morning yoga. 

And by "early morning yoga," I mean putting on my socks.

I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so I parked and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

I'm going to start a taxi service for seniors and call it Oldsmobile.

I used to just crastinate. 

Then I decided to go pro.

I always set two alarms. One for the person I want to be and one for the person I actually am.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

Regular rocks are too heavy.

Son: Hey Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: You can do better.

Son: Thanks Dad!

Dad: I wasn't talking to you.

Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

You Know That Little Voice In Your Head That Keeps You From Saying Things You Shouldn't? 

I Should Probably Get One Of Those.

I don't always go home for the holidays.

But when I do, I remember why I left.

I am not lazy. I am just in energy saving mode.

No, I don't watch soap operas, because I have Facebook...and there is a new episode every five minutes.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people... 

1. They would spend it on alcohol. 

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

If you're already late, take your time. You can't be late twice.

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.