6605 - Saturday jokes

Don't invite me anywhere with complicated parking, cause I'm gonna circle around and go home.

For those struggling with English...

Don't - Do not

Won't - Wo not

If you have seen the 20+ videos from every angle and see someone trying to run over an Ice agent…you probably also see cheaper groceries, lower gas prices and affordable healthcare.

I just realized I am "Starting to walk a little more carefully down the stairs" years old.

Here's the difference between cats and dogs.

A dog can learn up to 250 words and gestures, count up to 5, and even perform simple math.

Equivalent human age: 3.

A cat doesn't give a f**k and is sick of your shit.

Equivalent human age: 42.

Queue is pronounced like "Q". The rest of the letters are just in line waiting.

Don't grow up, it's a trap!

I don't need a sign that says "Do Not Disturb," I need one that says "Already Disturbed, Proceed with Caution." (Bilbo)

ICE - For when you're too dumb to become a cop, and too scared to join the real military.

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account?

Prime mates.

What do you call a Roman soldier who's just satisfied his wife in bed?

Glad-he-ate-her.

While most language-related puns make me feel numb, math-related puns make me feel number. Which reminds me ... why do we celebrate trigonometric functions at New Year's by singing about Old Lang's sine? And who was Old Lang, anyhow? (Bilbo)

Why are conservative women giving their opinions? If we wanted to know what you thought, we'd ask your husband.

I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Beware of the idiot behind me.” So I followed him until I figured out who the idiot was.

Einstein’s marriage to his first cousin was special relativity. He saw no gravity in the situation. In general, observers see it differently.

I'm so poor right now.. when I go to KFC, I have to lick other people's fingers.

We sat on the ground for four hours at Charles de Gaulle. It was Paris fuelers’ day off.

"Hey! You should be careful about what comes out of your mouth!"

"Maybe you should be careful about what comes IN yours!"

I tell my kids no and they dramatically run away like they're running backstage on Maury.

If I sit on your face, I legally own you. Squatter's rights.

Just realized my emergency contact is my mother. The same person who can never find her purse, doesn't know her doctors name, and ignores unknown numbers. ... Yea, call her.

My girlfriend called me a pain in the ass.

Honey, you're the one who said no lube!

I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I'm a Veterinarian so I drive like an ANIMAL".

It made me realize just how many Proctologists are on the road.

I’m not afraid of getting microchipped by Bill Gates. It’s a Windows product, so it probably won’t work, anyhow. (Bilbo)

The correct spelling of school is school, not school. Some people put the second o before the first o and that is incorrect.

I always preferred the English spelling of "diarrhea" which is "diarrhoea" because it really looks like you've lost control of your vowels.

When all else fails, there's nothing left to try.

A penny saved is a penny that you still have.

If the shoe fits you know your shoe size.

On the other hand, I also have five fingers.

A bird in the hand is probably not alive.

If at first you don't succeed, something went wrong.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.

I'll cross that bridge when I need to get to the other side.

When in Rome, you're in Italy.

Early to bed and early to rise and your girl goes out with other guys.

Two wrongs make two mistakes.

Behind every good man is his ass.

Six of one is half a dozen.

A watched pot is never unwatched.

A picture is worth what anyone is willing to pay for it.

Froze my ass of at the antiICE rally but it was worth it.

See you in Nuremberg you fuckers!

It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them.

Police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.

Breaking news: Satirical news publication The Onion on the verge of collapse after not being able to make up shit that is more idiotic than current reality.

Either my hands are getting bigger every year or these girl scout cookies are getting smaller.

When someone says I expected more of you, I always thing, well who's fault it that?

When you want to kill a couple of characters off in your book but remember your writing your autobiography.

She can cure you with a smile.

She can heal you with her hands.

She can completely ruin your high,

with just 0.2 of Narcan.

But Gloria, you know I'm straight.

So is spaghetti, until is gets wet.