6608 - Saturday jokes

I tried making skimmed milk, but it was too hard to throw the cow across the lake. (Bilbo)

A person learning English as a second language just asked me the difference between "burned" and "burnt", and I just stared blankly back with a 404 error screen running through my brain.

You might be in a CULT if you buy a red hat made in China to support a felon who married an immigrant and has convinced you that all your problems are caused by immigrants and felons. Or maybe you're just stupid.

(phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?!

Me: I always answer on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: Fine... 911 what's your emergency?

BREAKING:

The cold weather is set to last until it gets warmer.

I celebrate every touchdown my team makes by drinking nearly a liter of beer. That’s a two pint conversion.

Please be reassured ladies that there is no such thing as pre-natal fever. I'm confident the fetus is at womb temperature.

What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered? 

Me to dog: I'm out of treats.

Dog: I'll hold your beer 'till you get back.

Minute and minute shouldn't be spelled the same. I'm not content with this content. I object to that object. I need to read what I read again. Excuse me but there's no excuse for this. Someone should wind this comment up and throw it in the wind.

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years.

I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

I saw someone with a tattoo that read, Comparison is the Thief of Joy.

I'm going to get the same tattoo...but mine will be bigger!

(I was to lazy to retype this.)

SLEEPY JOE LET OUR BEAUTIFUL SOUTHERN BOULEVARD TURN INTO A WAR ZONE. JAY WALKERS WERE POURING IN BY THE THOUSANDS. OUR STREETS WERE BEING OVERRUN BY ILLEGAL U-TURNS AND UNDOCUMENTED MERGING. BLATANTLY ILLEGAL LANE CHANGES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED. TOTAL DISASTER!

UNDER YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT (THAT'S ME!!), LAW & ORDER IS BACK! THE BOULEVARD IS NOW SAFE AGAIN BECAUSE ANYONE CAUGHT JAY WALKING WILL BE MACED AND SHOT WITH RUBBER BULLETS. THEY TRIED FOR YEARS. NOTHING WORKED. EVERYBODY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE. WRONG! I WALKED IN AND ON DAY ONE I FIXED IT JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. TY FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS COVFEFE. - DJT

How big is Greenland? It's so big that it covers up 99% of the Epstein files.

Trump supporters are threatening to leave the US if Trump is sent to prison. (Now THAT'S funny.)

(Still funny)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What's the big idea?' asks the wife. 'They're a steal, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a total waste', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look absolutely stunning', replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!

(IT ticket)

My keyboard is not working. When I try to put in a backspace it will not insert. It keeps deleting to the left. I am restarted.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a roofer to take a look at it.

"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

I told him, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

At the marriage counselor...

After talking to the wife, Maria, she talks the husband, Tony.

"Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third, and this is a little delicate, she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex."

Tony replies, "When I comma to dis country, my father tell me three things. He tell me to make it big in America, First: worka hard. So I worka hard. Second, he says: keepa your nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says, don't fuck up."

My brother thinks he’s a turtle. I’m taking him to the best terrapist in town.

The rule of tyrants depends on murder. In each reign some life must fall.

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walked in.

The third person's name that walked in was Jill. The owner said, "Jill, you also have nice legs." So the guy named the restaurant 'Jill's Legs'.

A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

Whoever said 10°F is better than 100°F better be sitting outside enjoying it today.

They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that’s gonna make a big difference. (Bilbo)

Smart people underestimate themselves and ignorant people think they're brilliant. 

When in grizzly territory, always hike in groups and carry sedative dart guns.

Remember, there's safety in numb bears.