6614 - Saturday jokes

Headline...

"Seal breaks into New Zealand home, traumatizes cat and hangs out on couch."

*

Phil Ross, who happens to be a marine biologist, said it was unfortunate he was the only one 'not' at home at the time.

Imagine being a marine biologist and marine biology comes to visit you but you're not home.

A man was sitting on a couch with his wife, laughing together. Until his wife said a word he hadn't heard in decades. Only one person had ever used that word, his best friend who went missing in Thailand 20 years ago. In that moment he realized why his friend was never found. ................ Sex change.

Covering up your camera on your laptop could damage it. Apple.

Yes this statement is correct. Please remove the tape immediately. For... Safety reasons. FBI.

What a time in life to have an anxiety disorder, a love of history, and a compulsive need to stay informed.

At my age, to see the Northern lights, all I have to do is stand up too fast. Sometimes I even see a solar eclipse. 

I wish I could still buy things at the prices I used to complain about.

My doctor asked me if I exercise and I replied with "I jump to conclusions really well".

Men are saying NYC is getting 10 inches of snow and women are saying NYC is getting 4 inches of snow.

Oh but 4 inches is suddenly a lot when it's snow.

Your body needs 1000 calories an hour when you are snowed in.

The storm isn't even here yet and I ate all my food.

Be the reason someone can't use your name for their baby.

Randy, 360 lbs., says he stands with ICE.

Better not be thin ICE.

I hate watching breakfast on TV shows. You know they're not going to eat 90% of the food.

Guy 1: Socialism doesn't work.

Guy 2: Did a satanic pedophile billionaire tell you that?

School teacher asked little Jane to tell the class what her dad did for a living. She said that he was a stripper at a gay night club and turned tricks in the alley for extra cash. After school the teacher asked Jane if that was really true. Jane said no, he really works at Fox news, but she was too ashamed to say that. (John)

This year feels like being awake during surgery, but also it’s the wrong surgery and now you have a serious infection, and none of it is covered by your insurance anymore, and you still have to go to work tomorrow. (Bilbo)

I read somewhere that sniffing rosemary helps improve your memory. I sniffed Rosemary once, she hit me, and I don’t remember anything after that. (Bilbo)

On February 2nd a ground hog was harassed by a bunch of dipshits in stupid hats.

The president of the United States and the dumbest motherfucker on earth should be two different people.

You can't give away a used mattress but somehow we'll pay three hundred bucks a night to sleep on one at a hotel.

What’s your favorite paraprosdokian?

Here is my favorite:

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I hate it when people show me pictures of their kids.

I go, "We get it, he's missing, move on!"

I forgot to pay my Scrabble Club subscription fee. Now they’re sending me threatening letters. (Bilbo)

Adam and Eve leaving the Garden of Eden...

Let's go into politics where there is no shame. (Bilbo)

Do clouds ever look down on us and say "that orange one is shaped like an idiot"?

After recent events, Mexico has decided to pay for the wall.

Canada has one in the plans also.