6626 - Saturday jokes

What's your plan for Valentines day?

I will be spending it outside nice restaurants shouting, "WELL. YOU MOVED ON PRETTY QUICKLY!" to random couples walking in. (Debra) 

Them: We're disgusted by the amount of hate Pam Bondi is getting at the moment.

Us: It's nowhere near enough, we can do better.

My body came with a lot of terms and conditions I did not agree to.

It would be nice if all the people wearing "Don't Tread On Me" shirts stopped treading on everyone else, wouldn't it? (Bilbo)

My children watched the halftime show. Now they're gay AND Puerto Rican! Darn you Bad Bunny!

12% of Americans believe Noah of Noah's Ark is married to Joan of Arc. (They must be the core of the MAGAt movement.)

Funny how the US voting system worked well for 44 presidents and suddenly went bad when tRUMP lost an election.

Doctors discover a new link between rising measles cases among children and their parents being gullible morons.

Let's have illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship. We'll call it aliens vs predators.

Last week my wife put together an earthquake plan. She and the kids are supposed to stand together in a doorway. I'm supposed to go in the front hall and stand under the chandelier. 

I can't believe people are comparing tRUMP to Satan. Yes, he's evil, but he's certainly not as evil as tRUMP.

Someone stole the P from Pirate.

Was he mad?

He was irate!

I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning. (Bilbo)

U C D E D B D DUCKS? 

M R NOT DUCKS. 

O S A R DUCKS. C D E D B D WINGS? 

L I L B M R DUCKS.

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

If you're paddling upstream in a canoe, and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a dog house?

Purple! Ice cream doesn't have bones!

An unfortunate fellow named Clyde

fell into an outhouse and died.

By mischance, his brother

had fell down another.

And now they're in turd side-by-side.

A flea and a fly in a flue

Were imprisoned, so what could they do?

Said the fly, "Let us flee!"

"Let us fly!" said the flea.

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

I once had a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

Next I got a lead whistle, but it wooden lead me whistle.

Then I got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I got a tin whistle. And now I tin whistle.

Two little boys were pissing behind the barn and one said,  "I wish I had a big one like my big brother.  He holds his with four fingers."

Said the second little boy, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"Sure, "said the first boy, "but I'm pissing on three of them."

"Well, well," said Dr. Bigbill, as he met a former patient on the street, "I'm glad to see you again, Mr. Brown.  How are you this morning?"

"First, Doctor," said Mr. Brown cautiously,  "does it cost anything to tell you?"

A farm girl brought a bull to a pasture in order that it might service the cow there. 

The farm boy in charge of the cow joined her and they watched the process.

After a while, the farm boy turned to the farm girl and said, "That just makes me itch to do the same thing. How about it?"

And the farm girl said, "Go ahead. It's your cow."