6648 - Saturday jokes

Fox News... "Always doing our best to distract you from the fact that we support a child molester."

Post...

In the 2015 film Jurassic World, Chris

Pratt's character carries this stainless

Marlin 1895 rifle, it is the only version on

their website rated for a T-Rex.

Commentor...

Works too! I shot a T-Rex two days ago.

Dropped like a sack of potatoes. Still don't

know why it was carrying a bucket of candy

though.

(sing along)

Hello darkness my old friend,

I stood up way too fast again.

I farted...

That's as close to giving a shit as you're going to get from me today.

I'm often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

Farmer: What are we growing this year?

Wife: Older, ruder, and more intolerant.

Welcome to he next round of 'you heard the cat puke, but don't know where'.

The exciting game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.

"I see dead people!"

"Oh, it's just you without makeup. My bad."

I heard somebody say that Joel Osteen looks like Martin Short pretending to be Tim Allen and I can't unsee it now. 

It's the most accurate statement ever uttered.

I’ve never been on a cooking show, but I put a kitchen towel over my shoulder once while I was boiling water. (Bilbo)

We note that it's the birthday of German scientist Georg Ohm, for whom the standard unit of electrical resistance is named. The standard unit of political resistance is called the Zelenskyy. A little-known fact about Mr. Ohm is that he spent much of his later life working as a cowboy in the American West, commemorated in the famous song "Ohm on the Range." (Bilbo)

Has anyone tried unplugging the USA and plugging it back in again?

I try to be a nice person but there are just too many stupid people out there.

I was going go take one of those Viking river cruises until I learned that you don’t actually get to loot the towns and monasteries along the route. (bilbo)

I wish nutritional labels on packaged foods included a “what if I ate the whole damn thing” section. (bilbo)

I’m amazed that libraries are able to keep fiction and non-fiction separate … that’s very difficult to do nowadays. (Bilbo)

There are multiple sections now. The Fake non-fiction, the Hoax non-fiction, the Alternate non-fiction, and the MAGA non-fiction. (Bob)

Converted the people, built churches and schools , expelled all snakes from the island...

Saint Hat Trick

I think my audience in Honolulu laughed only to be polite. It was more a low ha than true laughter.

Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.

Turns out I just don't give a shit.

Never underestimate the healing power of listening to your favorite music on full blast while dancing around the house like an idiot.

I tried that Japanese decluttering trend where you hold each thing you own and throw it out if it doesn't give you joy. So far I've thrown out all the vegetables and the electric bill.

Them: How many pushups can you do?

Me: If they're the orange flavor I know for a fact I can do 7 of them in one sitting.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

I signed up for a zoom workout that was too advanced for me.

So when the instructor said to "do a plank, and then bring your knee to the opposite elbow," 

I did a modified version, where I turned off my computer, and made pancakes.

IF THE BREAD DELIVERY GUY IS A REDHEAD,

IS HE THE GINGER BREADMAN?

Teacher: The assignment can be about anything you want.

Me: Glory Hole Etiquette

I WAS POPULAR ONCE BUT MY THERAPIST TOOK ALL MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS AWAY.

I Need To Teach My Facial Expressions How To Use Their Inside Voice.

Aibohphobia is the fear of palindromes. Palindrome - A word spelled the same forward and backward. 

The guy that named the phobia was evil.

What if lollipops moaned every time you licked them?

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.