6685 - Saturday jopkes

PROBLEMS THAT WERE OVERBLOWN:

· quicksand

· people offering me drugs

· getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle

PROBLEMS I WAS NOT SUFFICIENTLY WARNED ABOUT:

· arguing with robots about unexpected items in bagging areas

· remembering all my passwords

· existential dread

IF YOU'RE STILL BACKING HIM NOW, 

IT'S FOR 1 OF 2 REASONS:

1. YOU'RE TOO WEAK TO ADMIT

YOU WERE WRONG;

2. YOU'RE A GARBAGE HUMAN BEING 

AND A POS.

... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

I met a girl in a bar who said, "Come outside and I'll show you a good time.” So I went outside with her and she ran 100 meters in 9.98 seconds. (Bilbo)

Was she a racist? (Bilbos friend Bob)

Matt Walsh @MattWalshBlog

Every voter should be a taxpayer who

can pass an 8th grade civics exam.

John Fugelsang @JohnFugelsang

I'd settle for every president being a

taxpayer who can pass an 8th grade

civics exam.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second-best time is now.

Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ON A BIBLE is one of life's great ironies.

I MAY BE OLD ... BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO SEE THE WORLD BEFORE IT WENT TO CRAP.

I’m confused - is it "Artificial Intelligence (AI)," "Plagiarized Information Synthesis System (PISS)," or "Computer-Rendered Artificial Pictures (CRAP)?" (Bilbo)

This, too, shall pass. It'll pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. (Bilbo)

I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone's mind. (Bilbo)

Grandma and Grandpa were having a conversation one day. Grandpa told her, "I am an old man now. If anything ever happens to me I do not want to live in a vegetative state! I do not want to be dependent on a machine and be pumped with fluids from a bottle everyday! If that ever happens just pull the plug! Grandma got up out of her chair and poured out all of his Beer and unplugged the TV!

Antivaxers really be like, "You're just gonna listen to doctors who studied medicine for 10 years? Wow enjoy being sheep, I'm gonna listen to a stay at home moms Facebook page cause I'm an independent thinker".

I think billionaires should pay throttlingly burdensome taxes, not to improve society, but because it makes them sad.

Get up.

Dust off.

Yell Fuck.

Start again.

It turns out a ceiling fan will not cut a bagel in half even on high speed.

I also need a new window.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA.

WHAT TIME?

I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I HAVE AN "IRRATIONAL FEAR" OF A DEADLY VIRUS BY PEOPLE WHO SHIT BRICKS OVER IMMIGRANTS, LGBTQ PEOPLE, BROWN PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE, WORKING WOMEN, WIND MILLS, CELLPHONE ANTENAS, VACCINES, ELECTRIC CARS, VOTING BY MAIL, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS, PLANT-BASED FOOD, HIGHER WAGES, AND FACE MASKS.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of the things it’s not going to do any more. (Bilbo)

I have been lying to my cat for years. 

Anytime he meows at me, I say, "I know, I know!"

But I don't.

I don't know.

If Lady Gaga toured with the Goo Goo Dolls,

It would be called The Goo Goo Gaga Tour.

Sign on restaurant door...

Sorry, closed.

Jack punched Alex

because he found out

Alex was messing

around with Janice,

even though Jack and

Janice are broke up.

Anyway, Alex tooth

went into the chili, so

we can't open till we

find it, cause we can't

throw away all that chili.

Sorry again.

Bumper sticker...

PIRATE of the CAR-I-BE-IN.

An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. 

I asked if she was OK and she smiled and said that its really no big deal because she carries her old purse to put her dog's poop in.

I was born male, identify as male, but according to Stouffer's Lasagna, I'm a family of four.

If you use the metric system measuring liquids,

You should be held in contempt of quart.

In heaven...

Person: Angel tell me, did I waste my life by posting memes?

Angel: Thousands of people read your memes. 

You wasted the lives of thousands of people.