6695 - Saturday ...end of August... jokes

Headline...

Numerous Casualties At Park In Bloody Turf War Between Tennis Players And Pickleballers.

NAOMI: Did you know that my name spelled backwards is 'I MOAN'? 

That's just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: Yeah? Well surprisingly, I love ...... nevermind.

Store clerk: That'll be $125.50. 

Would you like to return everything now, 

or just wait for the recalls?

"My shrink asked me if I ever hear voices.

I told her absolutely not. 

Then I remembered I don't have a shrink."

Some men think we dress for them.

But if men didn't exist, I would dress sluttier.

When I was a teenager; 

I could make tie-dye shirts, 

develop film in a darkroom, 

take photos with a pinhole camera, 

program a VCR,

repair cassette tapes with a pencil,

and get records to stop skipping with a penny. 

Now I'm like, I don't get how to use this credit card tap thing.

When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was Just a TOOL

HEAD meant a PART OF BODY

BALLS meant ROUND TOYS

NUTS meant DRY FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

Now my education is meaningless. 

The most expensive vehicle to operate these days is a shopping cart.

We were gifted a set of plates that are all the planets. 

They are all round except the Earth plate.

And things keep falling off the edge of the Earth plate.

Lady: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How many per day?

Man: 3.

Lady: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5 each including tip.

Lady: How long have you been drinking.

Man: About 20 years.

Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per

month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years,

that's $108,000.

Man: Sounds correct.

Lady: Did you know that if you put that

money in a savings account, that after

interest, you would have had enough

money to buy a plane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Lady: No.

Man: Where's your plane?

I’m going insane … anybody want anything? (Bilbo)

Nowadays, you have to look for the positives ... the bad news is that groceries are very expensive; the good news is that many of them aren’t safe to eat. (Bilbo)

Them: Will any Democrat urge people not to vandalize the Reflecting Pool?

Me: I will talk to my friends in the AlgaeBTQ+ community about these outside algaetators.

Does anyone know of any office jobs that will hire with no experience?

The White House.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a second and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?" (Kathy)

"I was the first woman to burn my bra; 

it took the fire department four days to put it out." 

- Dolly Parton

America should be placed under Canada's legal guardianship until a competent adult can be found to take it over.

Imagine being such a horrible, horrible person, that every time someone dies, people are collectively disappointed it wasn't you.

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people. 

Today I met 2 paramedics, 3 nurses, a cardiologist ... and nearly met Jesus.

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY TO MAKE A BIGOT UNCOMFORTABLE.

AND SO IS TOMORROW. - Steve Hofstetter

I POSTED "TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO MAKE BIGOTS UNCOMFORTABLE" AND A

BUNCH OF MAGA FOLKS GOT DEFENSIVE IN MY COMMENTS.

THEY CAN'T HELP TELLING ON THEMSELVES. - Steve Hofstetter

I've reached the age where it's rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if you don’t have enough for everyone. (Bilbo)

Trump reposted a furious rant from a right-wing commentator blasting Republicans for failing to deliver on the promises that helped put them in power.

The post didn't exactly pull its punches.

“I don’t think the GOP fully grasp how badly they are fucking up right now,” he wrote.

And then Trump, the president, the leader of the Republican Party and the person ultimately sitting at the top of the Republican agenda, shared it.

Husband to his wife: "Today is a fine day."

The next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day."

Day after day, same words, same cheerful tone.

Finally, after a week, the wife snapped.

"Enough! Every single day you say the same thing!

"Today is a fine day. What is wrong with you?!"

The husband smiled calmly and replied: 

"Last week, during our argument, you said,

"I will leave you one fine day.

I'm just trying to remind you ...

in case today is the day."

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself." (Kathy)

Somebody said America is becoming a torture chamber for smart people, 

and I've never felt anything more real in my life. 

I was born to be wild, but only until around 8:00 PM or so. (Bilbo) I'm just getting going at 8:00 PM. (Mike)

What a time to be alive! It’s like the fall of Rome, but with memes. (Bilbo)

My dad was a public school teacher; and he always said the toughest parts of the job were:

1. Having to pay for your own classroom chalk, and

2. Performing gender-reassignment surgeries during class hours w/out parents finding out.

The same idiots who think Trump, 

who dodged the draft five times,

knows how to win a war,

also think Trump, 

who declared bankruptcy six times,

knows how to run the economy.

That's what Trump Derangement Syndrome actually looks like.