6697 - Saturday jokes

Hell hath no fury like an Internet commenter who hasn't read the article but wants to disagree anyway.

A man just called me evil, I needed that.

Thought I was losing my spark for a minute.

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE DEAD.

THE PAIN IS FELT BY OTHERS. 

THE SAME THING HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE STUPID.

It's "Lake Ontario" not Lake America.

It's "Gulf of Mexico" not Gulf of America.

It's "convicted felon" not president.

Them: "You're so quiet!"

Autistic person: "Correct. I've analyzed your patterns and decided you're not safe."

Never before in U.S. history has a man been so completely sold on his own manufactured greatness. 

A fantasy constructed and maintained solely within the cramped theater of his own skull.

If you could just snap your fingers and make five people disappear for good with absolutely no consequences to you, who would be the other four?

“I talk to an invisible man who controls the universe.”  

If uttered in a psychiatric ward, it’s a symptom.  

If proclaimed in a church, it’s a sermon.  

Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough. (Bilbo)

St. Upid

Patron saint of economic collapse.

Science is hard. You gotta prove it, test it, and reproduce the results.

Pseudoscience is easy. You make it up, add some fear, and watch ignorant people spread it.

Yes I've had a colonoscopy.

I guess you could say I've had a Cameron Diaz. 

Which super hero is best at baseball?

Batman. (Kathy)

Whenever someone asks what I’m doing later and my answer is “nothing,” please understand “nothing” is not an opening in my schedule. “Nothing” is the event. It’s the plan. (Bilbo)

My emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece. With a biscuit and fries. (Bilbo)

I'm really glad President Obama rid the world of Osama Bin Laden before Donald Trump had the chance to fall in love with him.

Am I Fat?

Boomers: You Could Lose A few Pounds

Millennials: "No You're Beautiful"

Gen Z :" We Don't Body Shame Of Course You're Not"

Gen X: " I Know 5 Fat People and You're 4 of them'

Why did a woman stop dating Spiderman?

He got too clingy. (Kathy)

There's a new Fleetwood Mac GPS out, but it's absolutely useless.  

Every time I try to get directions, it just says, "You can go your own way." (Kathy)

“If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?” (Will Rogers) (Bilbo)

I saw a video of a guy berating a woman for the red cap she was wearing.

The cap said, "Made you look... Fuck Trump".

Trump on Iran: "They can't go to the bathroom without us seeing it".

Comment: Just like the Miss Teen USA contestants.