6700 - Saturday jokes

I am quite chubby.

But I identify as skinny.

I'm trans slender.

Being a dad is like being a backup quarterback.

You're on the team, but you're not the star.

And on those rare occasions you're brought into the game,

people are nervous.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY YOU CAN SIMPLY POST

"HE'S AN IDIOT"

AND 90% OF THE WORLD WILL KNOW WHOM YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

When women get to a certain age they start collecting dogs and cats.

It's called many paws.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is

FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle

management is TENNIS. 

6. The sport of choice for corporate

executives and officers is GOLF.

The amazing facts are.

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in

Washington playing marbles.

My wife said to me today, "I heard that a man goes deaf if he takes too much Viagra."

I said, "Who the Hell is Jeff and what is he doing in Niagara?"

A collection of some favorite sarcastic quotes...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable, If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug: some days you're the windshield.

Being an adult just means you don't get rewarded for finishing all your food. My niece ate 2 chicken nuggets and got ice-cream. I ate 10 and my mom said "I thought you were on a diet".

When I die , I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the jack in the box song ... just to see who has the guts to turn it!

Old age is just walking around all day muttering things like ...

"What was I going to say?"

"What did I come in here for?"

"Did I already take my pill?"

"How did I get this bruise?"

"Why am I sore?"

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Who moved my water glass?"

"Did the dryer shrink these pants?"

"That's it. Diet starts tomorrow."

"$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve."

"I could've sworn that was my password."

Man and Cockroach talking ...

Man: 'My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.'

Cockroach. 'Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do!'

Aging is a funny little scam. In my head I'm still young, fabulous and ready to cause trouble. Then I catch myself in the mirror, and think...

WELL WHO INVITED GRANDPA!

If you're looking for a joke about crooked teeth...

Brace yourself.

UNTIL A DRAG QUEEN WALKS INTO A SCHOOL AND BEATS EIGHT KIDS TO DEATH WITH A COPY OF 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, I THINK YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE WRONG SHIT.

WANDA SYKES

10 things that are absolutely

NOT worth the money anymore.

10. Restaurants

$34 entrée. $16 cocktail. 20% tip. I could've

stayed home and disappointed myself for

free.

9. Gambling

The fuck is a parlay? I'll keep my $100,

thank you.

8. Airbnb

Nothing says vacation like paying a $150

cleaning fee and waking up to a chore list.

7. Streaming

We killed cable, chopped it into 11 apps,

added commercials and called it progress.

6. Fast food

If I need to check my bank account before

ordering a combo, we've lost the plot.

5. DoorDash

A $16 meal becomes $31 and suddenly I'm

not that hungry anymore.

4. New cars

Seven year loan. $800

payment. And somehow heated seats are a

subscription.

3. Expensive universities

$200,000 to spend four years hoping

Linkedin has good news for you.

2. Concert tickets

$90 ticket. $147 total.

Apparently Ticketmaster also attended

the concert.

1. Gas

$70 just to get to work so I can make money

to buy more gas to get to work.

I KNOW this list can get worse.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap. (Bilbo)