6701 - Saturday jokes

Someone said that cranberry juice tastes like it doesn't want to be wet and I can't stop thinking about it.

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger".

(That's a Charley Kirk joke.)

When we yawn in public, do deaf people think we’re screaming?

License plate randomly generated...

694ANY1

Personal plates...

DTGVAFQ

HEYGFY

INAGDVD (I can hear the song in my head.)

PEPLSUC

FSTPHKR

Boy thlesdonsvyou learns you growvolder .. 

always keep yourvtoothpasteaesy from atubebof vagisil

one loosesitscminty freshness.

From a retired AP History teacher...

I actually had a student write in an essay, "the Vietnam war

was a mistake from the gecko."

and 

Still laughing over a fuming one star review in

which the reviewer declared a restaurant's

service to be "abdominal".

Yes, the Halloween candy is on sale right now but no, you should not buy it. It's a trick. Buy it now and you'll shame eat it on your couch and have to buy it all over again. Very clever, candy companies, but you can't fool me a 54th time.

IN THE NEAR FUTURE, A.I. IS GONNA TELL A WOMAN SHE'S WRONG ...

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, WILL BE THE END OF A.I.

Whites were projected to become a minority in the US in 2043.

But thanks to tRUMP it's now 2045.

POLK COUNTY SHERIFF ASKED WHY HIS OFFICERS A SHOT MAN 68 TIMES AFTER HE KILLED A K-9 AND THE K-9 HANDLER. THEIR RESPONSE: "WE RAN OUT OF BULLETS"

At a Starbucks...

Me: "What's you're bathroom code?"

Kid: "3.14159"

Me: "Hey! That's pi!"

Kid: "Nope, if were actually pi, you would never get in."

Dating is like buying a computer. You look for features, performance, compatibility, reliability, and most of all, no viruses. 

My typical weekend of working around the house. At the end, three things are now fixed. But six things that were working are now broken.

I'm currently experiencing life at the rate of several "WTF's" per hour.

Albert Einstein's second wife was his first cousin. This was special relativity. Other observers did not see this as he did. He failed to realize the gravity of the situation.

What do cheap people bring to a BBQ?

An appetite and 6 kids.

EVERY TIME I PUMP GAS, IT MAKES ME WANT TO SLAP A REPUBLICAN!

He signed this...

Donald J. Trump

President of the Unites States

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? 

The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

😁

Trump warns Iran to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath of his next ultimatum.

"I read this article and it said that, apparently, there was a time in our history when we didn't all stagger around in horrified disbelief." (Bilbo)

A 95 year old man walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for 6 Viagra tablets. Then he asked if he would cut each of them into 4 pieces. The pharmacist said," Yes, of course I can do that but I must tell you that one quarter of a tablet will not be enough to give you an erection." The old man laughed and said, "Trust me son, at my age I don't need an erection." "Well why do you want them then?" the pharmacist asked. The old man said," I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."

I'm so tired of worrying about everything, for everyone, every second of the day.

But I'm also worried that nobody will worry as good as I do, about all the things that need worrying about.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive

questions which your wife asks for

nothing.

The seven ages of man: spills, drills,

thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to

me about how high my heating bill is. I

told him, "My door is always open".

Tell me again how I unloaded the

dishwasher too loudly when you were

watching golf. Detectives will want to

know exactly how this went down.

A woman faces the judge on a charge of shoplifting, and the judge asks her, "What did you steal?" The woman responded, "A can of peaches, Your Honor." The judge asked, "How many peaches were in the can?" She replied, " Six, sir." The judge said, " Very well, your sentence is to spend six days in the county jail." Immediately, the woman's husband chimed in, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas!"