6702 - Saturday jokes

Now that I've reflected on it, cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing in the future. (Kathy)

In my school days, I did well in every subject except Greek mythology.
You could say that class was my Achilles elbow. (Kathy)

I had to call the tinnitus hotline today.
There was no answer -- it just kept ringing. (Kathy)

SOCIALISM IS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT SAVING YOUR HOUSE.

CAPITALISM IS THE INSURANCE COMPANY DENYING YOUR CLAIM.

COMMUNISM IS WHEN YOU START YOUR OWN TV PROPAGANDA STATION

AFTER KICKING OUT THE FREE PRESS.

Sen Schmitt: Mr. Smith, explain why NASA keeps making left turns for 500 miles.

Smith: Senator ... that's NASCAR, not NASA.

"I've officially reached the age where my obituary won't be using the word "untimely.""

Missouri didn't send a watchdog to Washington.

It sent Schmitt-for-brains.

If Democrats win the Senate, they should refuse to hold a hearing on Trump’s Supreme Court nominees until 2029.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass

from mouth to stomach. A human

hair can hold 3kg. The length of a

penis is three times the length of

the thumb. The femur is as hard as

concrete. A woman's heart beats

faster than a man's. Women

blink 2 times as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to

keep our balance when we stand.

A woman has read this entire text.

A man is still looking at his thumb.

REMEMBER, AS FAR AS EVERYONE KNOWS,

WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY.

Gender reassignment surgery costs upwards of $100,000.

Somehow these dumb fucks think the science teacher is doing it for free between PE and math class.

It is impossible to overstate how stupid these people are.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween, they're terrible for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

They take a bit of prep work, but so worth it.

Reuse, repurpose, recycle.

It's scary that people are leaving MAGA over gas prices and not because of child rape.

Morons

Are

Governing

America

It's almost impossible to believe he exists. It's as if we took everything that was bad about America, scraped it up off the floor, wrapped it all up in an old hot dog skin, and then taught it to make noises with its face.

Today I was almost scammed out of my life savings.

I was about to hand over all my banking information when I suddenly recognized my daughters voice.

I met my wife when I was on jury duty.

Thanks to me, she was acquitted. 

I would like to replace the word rapist with raper.

To make it sound more like murderer, killer, and traitor.

And less like artist, scientist, humanist, and pacifist.

THINGS THAT ARE RISKY TO START IF YOU HAVE ADHD

1. Changing the sheets on your bed ... because there's a real

chance you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight while the wet

sheets are still in the washing machine.

2. Opening one "quick" email ... because 90 minutes later

you've replied to seven others, reorganized your inbox, and

forgotten the original reason you opened it.

3. Sitting down "just for five minutes" ... because your brain

may decide you've officially finished for the day.

4. Starting to tidy one drawer ... and suddenly every

drawer and cupboard in the house is empty and you run out

of dopamine before anything is actually put away.

Carole: That stupid teacher doesn't know shit about math, history or English. I'm sure I smelled vodka on her breath.

Brother: Stop it Carole! Mom is trying her best.

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice

cream. And that's kind of the same thing.

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the

stupid ones that need the advice.

My phone's alarm is the only reminder in my

life that actually goes off on time.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids. Then

silence is suspicious.

I went out on a date with a woman recently and she said she wanted to get to know me better.

I said, "No you don't!"

I got news for you ladies. We're not hiding the good stuff.

I’ve reached the age where I can't tell if I’ve sustained an injury or that's just how I am now. (Bilbo)

I’m not really worried about getting older … I’ll still do the same dumb stuff, just slower. (Bilbo)

A recent study has shown that the most effective way to recover quickly after strenuous exercise is to be 20 years old. (Bilbo)

I think we need separate bathrooms for MAGA.

I don't feel comfortable with them around women and children.

Congressman Dave Min's 40 seconds on the

House floor: "Several of my Republican

colleagues have accused those who support

justice of having 'Trump Derangement

Syndrome.' You all suffer from something

much worse, which is 'Pedophile Protection

Syndrome." 

I love when people say "you literally can't fuck this up". 

Hey, you don't understand what I'm capable of.

"I did not mean that Conservatives are generally stupid; 

I meant, that stupid persons are generally Conservative. 

I believe that to be so obvious and

undeniable a fact that I hardly think any

honorable gentleman will question it."

~ John Stuart Mill

(During a parliamentary debate on May 31, 1866)

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the

mirror, complaining to my husband that my

breasts are too small. Instead of

characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every

day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it

between your breast for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet

paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing

it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years,"

he replies.

I stop and ask "Do you really think rubbing a

piece of toilet paper between my breasts every

day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for

your butt, didn't it?"

He is still alive, and with a great deal of

physical therapy, he may even walk again.

The White House @WhiteHouse

America will establish a permanent presence on the moon.

Dylan Williams @dylannotes

You guys fucked up painting the bottom of a pool.