6708 - Saturday jokes

Next time you're voting for a president at least pick someone who has at least done most or all of these things:

1. Driven a car

2. Pumped gas

3. Went to a grocery store and bought food

for their family

4. Cooked a meal for their family

5. Stepped foot inside of a public school

6. Went to a parent teacher conference at a

public school

7. Held an hourly job

8. Paid for health insurance

9. Paid a bill

10. Read a book

Marquee sign if front of-

LIBERTY MEADOWS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL...

MAGA-PARENTS: IF YOU

DROPPED OFF YOUR CHILD

AS A BOY, BUT TOOK HOME A

GIRL AT END-OF-DAY,

YOU HAVE THE WRONG CHILD.

PLEASE RETURN THE GIRL

AND PICK UP YOUR SON.

I'VE GOTTEN SOME EXTREMELY RACIST AND VILE COMMENTS ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE. INSTEAD OF BLOCKING THEM, I'VE JUST BEEN TAGGING THEIR EMPLOYER. 

THEY SEEM TO BE SO PROUD OF THEIR BIGOTRY SO I THOUGHT I'D MAKE SURE THEIR BOSS COULD SEE IT AND CELEBRATE THEM FOR IT.

Nine Important Facts

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest

possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and

horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a

gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them

for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and

they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe

years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid

someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the

weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the

world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take

Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.

What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

Someone recently said:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

Turning Point USA was founded in 2012 by Charlie Kirk and Bill Montgomery.

Two of their major policy pushes were a more prominent gun culture and zero COVID restrictions.

Bill Montgomery died to the COVID virus.

Charlie Kirk died to gun violence.

Nobody sees the 5am runs.

Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries.

Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlit room.

Because I don't do any of that. (John)

I'm at the age where I no longer care if I look good in photos. 

I just wanna look good in CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays. (John)

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GROUCHY OLD PERSON. 

THE TRUTH IS ONCE YOU GET OLD, YOU STOP BEING POLITE AND START BEING HONEST.

It's perfectly OK to talk to yourself and it's perfectly OK to answer yourself.

But it's totally sad that you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening.

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for

taking things for granted. - Aldous Huxley

Orwell feared those who would ban books. Huxley

feared there would be no reason to ban a book, because

nobody would want to read one. - Neil Postman

We've arranged a global society based on science and

technology in which almost nobody understands science

and technology. - Carl Sagan

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become

so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of

rebellion. - Albert Camus

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it,

doesn't go away. - Philip K. Dick

Dogs make me happy.

Humans make my head hurt.

Just to be clear,

WE PAID THE FUCKING TARIFFS

AND THE CORPORATIONS GOT THE REFUNDS.

If you vote Republican ever again, 

you're as dumb as that red hat makes you look.

THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID,

"IF SERVING IN AN

ELECTED OFFICE EVER

BECOMES A CAREER,

CORRUPTION WILL SURELY

FOLLOW."

I THINK HE NAILED IT!

If 10 people are on a bus, and 3 vote to drive it off a cliff, 2 vote to stay on the road, and 5 don't vote at all .. you're all going off the cliff.

Got my booster early, which left my whole day open. 

Waited for the autism to kick in, then stopped by ANTIFA headquarters to pick up my protesting check. Now I'm headed to the elementary school to help with transgender surgeries.

Don't believe what you see in cartoons.

No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger,

it won't actually stick to someone's face.

Don't ask me how I know this. (John)