6713 - Saturday jokes

The fact that I cannot explode into a thousand bats to escape awkward social situations is a constant source of irritation. (Bilbo)

I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying" because ending the sentence with "dumb ass" would probably be considered offensive.

Last night, someone broke in to our house and took a dozen eggs.

They also left a saucepan filled with warm water.

Police believe it was poachers

Dear evangelical Christians. 

We don't celebrate Halloween to worship the Devil.

Sometimes it's just fun to dress up and pretend to be someone else. 

You know, like you do on Sundays.

There are millions of us who, when we first became aware of Donald Trump in the 1980s, decades before he was in politics, saw right through him. A rich, sleazy asshole with bad taste, who liked cheating on his wives, and who would push his own grandmother into an open manhole if she was standing between him and a TV camera.

We don't have "Trump Derangement Syndrome." 

What we have is just Good Character Judgment.

I'd rather be pissed off, then pissed on ...

(This is one of those times when the difference between then and than is very important.)

Gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't mine. She said I need to pay more

attention at school pick up.

This is your friendly reminder that October is Procrastination awareness month. (John)

After a certain age, getting out of a low car or sofa should come with an automatic applause track and a heating pad. (Bilbo)

MAGA's new pronouns are WAS/WERE.

HEY, MUSK, REMEMBER WHEN YOU SPENT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS MOVING SPACE X, TESLA, TWITTER, AND EVERYTHING YOU OWN FROM CALIFORNIA TO TEXAS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ANY OF IT IN A BLUE STATE?

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid,

she becomes a Def Leppard.

Me, every day, trying to figure out what I last bumped into.

I call it Bruise Clues.

Medical Terms - 

Tumor: one plus one more

Urine: opposite of you're out

Enema: not a friend

Artery: the study of paintings

Terminal illness: getting sick at the airport

Dilate: to live a long time

Out-patient: person who has fainted

Nitrates: cheaper than day rates

Medical staff: a doctor's cane

Recovery room: place to do upholstery

Secretion: hiding something

Fibula: a small lie

Node: I knew it

Caesarian Section: a neighborhood in Rome

What's the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

SHOUT OUT

TO THE PEOPLE WHO

DON'T KNOW WHAT THE

OPPOSITE OF IN IS.

I haven't seen a possum in months.

And all of a sudden The McRib is back.

My phone has this cool app that shows me

what I would look like as an old person. 

It's called Camera.

MY FIRST JOB WAS POSING LIKE A MANNEQUIN IN A CLOTHING STORE WINDOW

I HELD THAT POSITION A LONG TIME.

Bowling is better than golf.

It's hard to lose a bowling ball.

One time at the hoagie shop the actress Ms. O'Hara asked what the tiny pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar-bread sandwich was and I had to respond: "Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."