Old Farmer's Advice
"Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong."
"Keep skunks and bankers at a distance."
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stump."
"A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
"Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled."
"Meanness don't just happen overnight."
"Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads."
"Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you."
"It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
"You cannot unsay a cruel word."
"Every path has a few puddles."
"When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."
"The best sermons are lived, not preached."
"Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway."
"Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
"Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."
"Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time."
"Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."
"Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'."
"Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
"The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
"Always drink upstream from the herd."
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."
"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God."
"Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you."
If you know a musician copy this and send it to them. They'll appreciate it more than I did.
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
This is a good Uncle Jay. If you've never been to his site...... WHAT! Never?!! And I think someone else may have had the political baby idea first.
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3 comments:
Yep...it was just TOO obvious a joke to occur to just me.
Indeed...Silence is VERY often the best answer. Cheers Mike!!
B - Great minds.....
MM - That one stuck out for me also.
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