TO: The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours, A soon to be Gentleman Farmer.
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?
Posts
5 comments:
Sounds crazy enough to be true ...
Another brave post for a guy married to a woman who has some rich relatives getting agricultural subsidies, but whose poorer paternal grandma once offered your wife some of the cheese given her by the government. It's only fair to note that this grandma didn't have a farm. She lived in a trailer next to a railroad track. What she had, she shared, God bless her.
I'm sure this program will be greatly expanded if the Republicans take over, to include not manufacturing things and not investing in the future.
the jokes on us.
J - I'm sure this is going on somewhere.
C - To a point.
B - Maybe we can run the program expansion. Somebody has to track all this 'not' stuff.
M - Yes it is.
Post a Comment