1861 - Dead duck and health care

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

1859 - Two girls and a video camera

I saw a video at Alabama Noise. (NSFW) I sent it to Jay and Matt. Of course Jay had seen it already. He sent me another video which lead me to these girl's video catch. They have 46 of them with varing degrees of NSFW or NSFK in them. Here's one with just a few dirty words.



Here's the link to all of them.

 

1858 - Tax time

Tomorrow is tax day. Sort of.

Everyone will be having these eureka moments for the next few days.

If you do this well you can get a government job.

When compromise talks actually started.....

This method of tax collection started in India.

Maybe the solution is for everyone to incorporate.

When all else fails, start turning people in.

 

1856 - Patrice O'Neal

(NSFW) (No kids) OK here's a teaser for Patrice O'Neal. It's only 3 minutes.



But if you liked that, here's a long one (three segments).

Segment 1 - 15 min.

Segment 2 - 15 min.

Segment 3 - 12 min.

 

1844 - Lottery headline

Here's the headline...

Lottery buyers line up to pay a tax

No they don't. Here's what the headline should read.

Lottery buyers line up to buy tickets so they can harass their friends

It's just entertainment you math geeks. Next thing you know you'll see a headline like this...

Basketball fans line up to give their money to millionaires and billionaires. Then sit in metal chairs for hours watching men run back and forth.

You pick the entertainment venue and write the headline. It's all the same. Most people don't take the lottery seriously. Just like I'm sure people don't take sports seriously. Right?

 

1840 - Toilet humor

Continuing on with the toilet humor theme.....


OK this one is only a picture on the walls but it's better than graffiti.

Maybe for the girls Bathroom? I don't know about the guys.

This looks rather fancy except for one fixture.

Now you're talkin'!!

The basic outdoor basic very basic hole in the ground.

1839 - The Wall

The bathroom wall. I remember some of these. They've been around a looong time. Because if you forgot the newspaper, what else is there to do?

"some come here to sit and think
some come here to shit and stink
but I came here to scratch my balls
and read the writing on the walls"
Men's room in Nijmegen, The Netherlands

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"
Men's Room, Tan Son Nhut Airbase (Saigon)

"God is dead. - Nietzsche"
response: "Nietzsche is dead. - God"
Men's Room, Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C

"They paint the walls to cover my pen, but the shit-house poet strikes again!"
A girl's high school bathroom in kentucky

"Here I sit all broken hearted,
Came to shit, but only farted."
Men's 2nd floor Ryors Hall bathroom: Ohio University-Athens, Ohio
Response:
"If you tried to shit and only farted,
try some prunes, they'll get you started!"

"What moron writes on the bathroom walls?"
A bathroom at St. Augustine Academy (an all girl school) in Lakewood, Ohio

"Please flush twice. It's a long way to the kitchen!"
Men's room in a "greasy spoon" diner in Duluth MN

"Those who write on shithouse walls roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read those words of wit, eat those little balls of shit."
A men's restroom in Sierra College, Rocklin, CA

"don't look here, the joke is in your hand"
submitted via email; location not specified

(Written on the front of a condom machine)
"This gum tastes like shit!"
Booches Bar and Grill, University of Missouri, Columbia

(straight ahead, on the door) "Let's play toilet ping pong. Look to the left." (on the left wall) "Look to the right. (on the right wall) "Look to the left."
submitted via email; location not specified

"See yourself Pee - www.seeyourselfpee.com"
from a rest stop in New Hampshire

"Here I sit broken hearted
paid a dime only farted.
Second time took a chance,
saved my dime shit my pants."
in a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant

 

1838 - Smallest car

This video is 9 minutes long but the whole thing is funny. Where can you go in a really small car? Watch and see.

Click the title to watch it full screen on youtube.


 

1837 - But... you're a girl!

A few for the girls from 'Not Always Right'.


The Height Of (Mt.) Misogyny
Outdoor Supply Store | Manchester, UK | Bigotry, Top
(I am a woman working at a shop that specializes in mountain climbing equipment. I happen to be very experienced when it comes to trekking, so often colleagues ask me to help people who are planning a mountain trek. My coworker is bringing a male customer over to me for trek-planning help.)

Coworker: “And here’s [my name] now. She’s our expert when it comes mountain treks!”

Male Customer: “Don’t be stupid.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Male Customer: “Girls don’t climb mountains.”

Me: *laughs* “This girl does! Where are you hoping to climb?”

Male Customer: “Well, I’m climbing the highest peak in the Atlas region.”

Me: “Oh, Jebel Toubkal? Excellent, I did that last year. What time of year are you planning to go?”

Male Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Male Customer: “Can you just bring back the man I spoke to first? I’m sure he’ll know more about it than you.”

Me: “You think my male colleague, who specializes in camping, low-level trekking and biking, will be more equipped to help you than me, a woman who climbed the exact mountain you’re planning to climb?”

Male Customer: “Yes.”

(I fetch my coworker, who is forced to continue checking with me to see if what he is selling is okay. The worst part: my staff identification picture is of me at the summit of Jebel Toubkal



Exes Can Drive You Crazy
Auto Parts | Nampa, ID, USA | Bigotry
(Note: I am a female employee at an auto parts store. A woman walks in.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Woman: “I need a tail light bulb for my Chrysler. Oh, and could you come out and show my ex-husband how to take the old one out? I’d love for you to show him up!”

(I go outside and help him switch out his taillight. As I’m walking back into the store, I hear him say…)

Man: *to ex-wife* “You had to pick the only girl in the store to help us, didn’t you?!”



Now Accepting Immigrants From Femmerica
Retail | Marion, IA, USA | Bigotry, Top
(I’m sweeping when an older gentleman comes up. Note that I’m female.)

Customer: “It’s good to see you doing that.”

Me: “Oh…um…thank you.”

Customer: “So many of you young ladies these days are d*** fem’nists.”

Me: “Actually, sir, I am a feminist. It’s just a little dirty, so I need to clean up.”

Customer: “You d*** fem’nists! Taking jobs from real ‘Mericans who need jobs.”

Me: “Sir, I was born in this country. I’m a third generation American. Being a feminist makes me no less American than you. I just support women’s rights.”

Customer: “That ain’t ‘Merican! Women ain’t ‘Merican!”

Me: *speechless*


No Obamacare For You
Retail | Berkeley, CA, USA | Bigotry
(Although I was born in California and have lived here my entire life, my dad is from Australia, and I have picked up some of his speaking mannerisms. In consequence, when I say “Yeah”, it sounds like “Yeh”.)

Customer: “Can I slide my card through, miss?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s ready!”

Customer: “Actually, sorry, I don’t support illegal immigrants.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You talk funny! You’re an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I was born here. I just have my accent from a parent who was not an illegal immigrant.”

Customer: “No! You aren’t allowed to be here! I’ll be notifying the president about this!” *stomps out without her merchandise*

 

1836 - Give me the money!

I found this letter online. It's real. It has to be. It makes to much sense. I think I may have found a new business to go into.


********


TO: The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours, A soon to be Gentleman Farmer.

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?



********

Speaking of food....

 

1834 - Tyranny

Time for some good tyranny quotes. Read these or I'll send the Department of Homeland Security to have a talk with you.


A good deal of tyranny goes by the name of protection.
Crystal Eastman

A modern democracy is a tyranny whose borders are undefined; one discovers how far one can go only by traveling in a straight line until one is stopped.
Norman Mailer

A primary function of art and thought is to liberate the individual from the tyranny of his culture in the environmental sense and to permit him to stand beyond it in an autonomy of perception and judgment.
Beverly Sills

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Advocates of capitalism are very apt to appeal to the sacred principles of liberty, which are embodied in one maxim: The fortunate must not be restrained in the exercise of tyranny over the unfortunate.
Bertrand Russell

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.
Thomas Jefferson

Any ideal system is its own worst enemy, and as soon as you start to implement these visions of grandeur, they just fall apart and turn into a complete tyranny.
Ben Nicholson

America is just the country that how all the written guarantees in the world for freedom are no protection against tyranny and oppression of the worst kind. There the politician has come to be looked upon as the very scum of society.
Peter Kropotkin


Well? Did you read all of them? There will be a test. Failure is not an option. Failure will result in reindoctrination at your cost. ..... Or maybe we'll just go have a beer and talk it over.

 

1819 - Rush or not

First, if you have 17 mintues to spare you can go to this LINK and see John Stewart and Steven Colbert bash Rush Limpbrain.

But if you don't want to go watch those, here's some Not Always Right.

Buy One Euphemism, Get The Second One Free
Grocery Store | Vermont, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top
(I’m a rather busty female and I work in a grocery store. An elderly man walks up to my register with his cart.)

Customer: “Well, I see you got new jugs!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “New jugs. I quite like ‘em. Better grip. Oh, yeah, much better grip.”

Me: *stares wide-eyed*

Customer: *places two bottles of prune juice on the counter*

Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. They redid the bottles on those. New jugs.”

Customer: “Mmmm. Prune juice. I quite like it. Keeps me regular.”



Ph.Duh
Tech Support | Nebraska, USA | Tech Support & Issues
(Note: I’m doing tech support for a college professor.)

Me: “Can I have you look at the lights on the modem?”

Professor: “Yep, looking now.”

(There’s a lengthy pause while I wait for him to look. After he doesn’t say anything for awhile, I decide to ask.)

Me: “So, what are they doing?”

Professor: “Oh! Let me go look…”

(This goes on for another 15 minutes, where he doesn’t answer a single question I ask. I eventually manage to get him to plug a ethernet cable in, but it is still saying a cable is unplugged. He still will not not listen to me and goes on doing his own thing. Five minutes later…)

Me: “What port is the ethernet cable plugged into?”

Professor: “The only one it goes into.”

Me: “And what is the other end plugged into?”

Professor: “The computer…”

Me: “And the other end?”

Professor: “Well, it’s not plugged into anything.”

(I try to keep my calm, despite being exasperated.)

Me: “Can you plug that into the modem please?”

Professor: “Well, now it works. So what did we do?”

Me: “We plugged it in…”



Maybe If You Watch It At 88 MPH
Call Center | Calgary, AB, Canada | Tech Support & Issues
(I’m on the phone with an irate customer who feels like she has been cheated by my company after purchasing a PVR (aka a DVR, or digital video recorder). Apparently, she misunderstood the previous rep who sold it to her. We have been arguing for quite some time.)

Customer: “I can’t get my money back? Why not? I was told that this PVR unit would let me watch shows that normally come on at 9pm whenever I wanted.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t refund the item as it is past 30 days since you purchased it. Furthermore, there is no technology available that functions as you describe.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! What’s the point of buying this PVR if I can’t watch shows earlier?”

Me: “Ma’am, the unit is called a PVR. It’s a personal video recorder, and it allows you to record programs to watch at a later time. It is not a time machine.”

Customer: *click*

1813 - Fixed

Sometimes the idiots are funny. Not very often and you have to clean up their stuff but sometimes it's worth it.

The email started out - This is straight forward country thinking...
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims. Well, no it's not. Jeff Foxworthy wouldn't risk his career doing something this dumb.

I changed one word in every bit. Guess which one.

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Terrorist.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Terrorist.

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Terrorist.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Terrorist.

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Terrorist.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Terrorist.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Terrorist.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Terrorist.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Terrorist.

Funny eh? Now came the ending - You Have a Nice Day Now...You Hear? WHAT? 'You have?' 'You hear?' Somebody doesn't have a clue about how Jeff talks. And I thought, check the internet. Maybe.... well no maybe about it. Here's the real list from 'You know you're a Taliban if...'

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

1812 - Wham!

This is a video from 2006. I'd never seen it before but it's a good one. Only 13 12 seconds.



I know, I should have done a post on the overture.

I looked for other elevator videos but couldn't find any to fit the theme. But I still think the funniest elevator video is the link on my sidebar. OK OK I'll post it again.




And then I saw on the Google search page where the guy being honored today was Gioachino Rossini. So naturally I think this is the guy that invented February 29th. Right?! I mean come on! Who else could it be? Nope. Just a composer that was born today.

 

1811 - T-shirts

Not just any t-shirts. BEER t-shirts.

And then to round things out, here's the 25 drunkest countries in the world. No the USA is not in the top 25.

 

1806 - WOO WOO!

Found a couple of good ones. WOO WOO!!!

********

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in t he peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."


********


How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,etc. Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumicestone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

1805 - Wrong

Time for a visit to Not Always Right. (Sidebar for link)



Shocking Mystery Solved
library | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque
(I work in the call center of a public library. Occasionally, we get strange callers just because it is free and we are required to talk to them.)

Caller: “You need to help me! The Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”

Me: “Um, this is a library, I’m not sure what—”

Caller: “You have to help me! I called the police but they won’t help me. They say I’m crazy. It’s the Mormons! They keep shocking my genitals!”

Me: “Well, uh, let me put you on hold for a second.”

(I put her on hold and call out the situation to the other librarians in the call center. One of them happens to be Mormon.)

Me: “I have a caller who claims Mormons are shocking her genitals through her windows.”

Mormon coworker: “We are.”




No, It’s Because The Owner Is Stupid
Supermarket | London, UK | Pets & Animals
(A man brings his dog into our supermarket.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but there are no dogs allowed inside unless it is a service dog.”

Customer: *with straight face* “It’s because my dog is black, isn’t it? I could sue you!”




The Year Of Spending Dangerously (without Word Verification turned on)
Retail | Utah, USA | At The Checkout
Me: “Since you’re using a credit card, I need to see your ID, please.”

Customer: “Oh, for crying out loud!”

Me: “Ma’am, we ask for ID for your safety.”

Customer: *getting agitated* “Well, I don’t want to be safe, so just knock it off already!”



Another exciting post time - 222121222 // :

1800 - Ummmm, no title

OK I'm taking the easy way out again because I'm looking into another health insurance company.

********

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

********

A pretty blonde got lost in her car in a terrible snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Now you can follow me over to K-Mart!"

********

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

1799 - Barbers

I got this first barber joke in an email. I wondered how old it was. Lots of google hits so pretty old. But that lead me to more barber jokes. That was a good thing.


********

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

This illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


********

A man and a boy entered a barber's shop together. After the man had received a shave and a haircut, he sat the boy in the chair and said, "I'm just going to run next door to pick up a few things from the supermarket. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's hair was cut and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten you."

"That wasn't my dad," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut."


********

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar,
the game's over!"


********

A man went into one to get a shave, and noticing that the manicurist was really beautiful, decided to have a manicure at the same time. After he watched her work for a while, he got up his nerve and finally said, "How about going out with me tonight or some night soon?'

She said, "No, I'm married"

He asked, "Can't you just tell your husband you're going to visit a sick girl friend?"

"Why don't you tell him yourself" she replied, "He's shaving you!"


********

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweet-heart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yeah I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

 

1796 - Surfing captures

Four surfing jumps on the internet and you can be so far away from your 'core' group you can find some really new... different stuff.


What more could a guy want for valentines day?

Don't forget to bring some balloons.

Don't make the same mistake you did last time.... Oh what the hell, it might work this time.

If you see this sign, it's probably a joke. Forge ahead.

Words of catch 22.

The absolute doggone truth.

If this has never happened to you then.... Wait, who am I kidding?

Friday the 13th on a Monday? bE v eRy cAr eFuL 2day.