2766 - Saturday jokes

Late one night at the asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A patient in another room said, "How do you know?"
The first patient said, "God told me!"
A voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"


A man received the following text from his neighbor:
'I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again.'
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
'Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" '.


Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”
“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”


Does anyone want to buy a broken yo-yo?
No strings attached.


Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer.
The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer.
The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges.
Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine.
The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.
The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring ginger ale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."


What do pastafarians smoke?
Medicinal marinara.


How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.


Cops have found an fat, ugly dead guy with a tiny penis.
Please text me so I know you're ok.


A husband takes his wife dancing.
They notice a guy on the dance floor living large, break dancing, moon walking, backflips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating."


What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom?
Nothing, the pee is silent.


Was the French teacher into golden showers?
Oui.


Three engineers are sitting at a bar discussing what kind of engineer constructed the human body. The first exclaimed that it must be a mechanical engineer because of all the joints and moving parts. The second said it had to have been an electrical engineer because of all the nerve endings and electrical signals. The third disagreed with both and declared that it had to have been a nuclear engineer, because who else would construct a toxic disposal outlet so close to a recreational area?


A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, "Do you know him?" The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."