2856 - Friday jokes

I've collected more than a fair share of jokes this week so here's a head start on Saturday jokes.

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"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."
"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."


A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "No money."


Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water...
...she means well.


I just invented a new word.
Plagiarism.


One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?'' ''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter. So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.'' ''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''


What do you call it when you die and come back as a redneck?
Reintarnation


A renowned hypnotist is attempting a mass hypnotism in a large auditorium. There are over 15,000 people there listening with rapt attention. The hypnotist pulls out a very nice golden pocket watch and holds it up for the entire crowd to see. He begins by saying: "This is a watch passed down from hundreds of generations of magicians and hypnotists, it's worth is beyond measure. Today I will bring you under such a strong hypnotism with this very watch that you will do whatever I say." As he says this, he begins to swing the watch, letting the chain out gradually as it rocks back and forth. Under his soothing performance the crowd's heads begin to droop. just as the crowd slips completely into the hypnotic state the hypnotist's hands slip on the watch and it drops to the floor, cracking the front plate. "Shit!" He mutters under his breath and It took a week to clean the place up.


What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, you're out if you're caught stealing.


A Frenchman takes his American girlfriend on a picnic. Before they start, the girl says, "Jacques, give me a kiss!"
So he grabs the bottle of Merlot, pours some into her mouth, and exclaims, "When the French take red meat, we take it with red wine!" before giving her a long, deep kiss. They continue kissing, and get more and more passionate. After a while, the girl breaks away and says, "Jacques! Kiss me... lower."
And so he kisses her down her neck and towards her bosom. As he reaches her breasts, he grabs the bottle of Chardonnay, pours it onto her breasts and exclaims, "When the French take white meat, we take it with white wine!" before licking and sucking on her breasts eagerly.
After a while, the girl can no longer take it, and whispers into his ear, "Jacques, I want you to go... lower."
And so he gradually lowers himself and pulls down her panties. As he nears her pussy, he grabs the bottle of whiskey, pours it over her pussy, and then grabs his lighter and sets her bush on fire, before exclaiming, "When the French go down, we go down in flames!".


I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.


So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda.
Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!


I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control... I thought to myself, 'Well, this changes everything'.