2877 - Friday jokes

This piece of asphalt is arguing with a stone in a bar. "I'm the hardest!" says the asphalt, "All the roads in the country are made from me!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" A few minutes later, a piece of a bicycle path strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. The bartender asks asphalt, "What's the deal?" "We're hard," says asphalt, "but that guy's a cycle path."


A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile
or
Holy roller


What is brown and has got four legs and an arm?
A Rottweiler on a children's playground.


I almost had a threesome last night.
-All I needed was two women.
-There were a couple of no shows, but I had a good time.
-I would never have a threesome. If I wanted to disappoint 2 people at the same time, I'd just have dinner with my parents.
-I have a threesome almost every week. Almost last week, almost the week before last, almost ...


There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."


Scientists have snuck up on periodic table and add the element of surprise.


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'


What do you call a overweight psychic?
A four chin teller.
or
A large medium.
or
A clairbouyant.