2884 - Friday jokes

I'm still getting enough new (new here anyway) jokes to do two joke days.

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I can't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500. I'm just livid.


What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history?
American Snipper.


What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player?
A tattoo.


According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a dirty mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


A man bursts into a doctor's office and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"
And the doctor says, "Now, now. You're just going to have to be a little patient."


Juan and Carlos have been stranded in the desert for 2 days. They are on the verge of dying of thirst when Juan sees something in the distance.
He gets closer to confirm his suspicions - off in the distance is an incredibly juicy bacon tree. "Mira!!" (Look!) "Carlos! Up ahead, it's a bacon tree!! A juicy delicious bacon tree!"
At this point Juan takes off in a sprint towards the bacon tree when out of nowhere he is gunned down!
Carlos runs to Juan's side as he lay there dying. Juan looks at Carlos and, with his final breaths, manages to say "Carlos, mi amigo, it was not a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."


A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything".
After handing the vendor $10 and not getting anything back, the Buddhist asks for his change.
The vendor replies "Change comes from within."


So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read, "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday, OK?"
Then I realized how much OK resembled a sideways stick-man.


My girlfriend and I were fighting while driving in the car. We glared at each other and I thought neither of us would back down. In the end we struck an Accord.


Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?


A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."


Saw this girl texting and driving today. I got so mad I pulled up next to her and threw my beer at her.


What did Sting get in Amsterdam?
A massage in a brothel.


A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.
Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"
Dad replies, "Well we can't spank him!"