2906 - Saturday jokes

There are no old jokes, only old audiences.


Blonde walks up to a river and sees another blonde over the river. She yells "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde looks the river up and down and says, "You ARE on the other side".


A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska and during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else.
Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks "Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"
The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers, "That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"
Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks, "Don't....don't we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive?"
The vet looks at him as replies "No man. If you ever crash, just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Very soon someone will show up and tell you that you're playing it wrong."


If you count on your fingers using binary you will probably want to try to avoid the numbers 4, 128, and definitely 132.


Two lesbians both named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop to plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no, I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."


My local drama society put on an evening of XXX Roman plays. I thought it sounded sexy so I went along. It was just 30 plays.


A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately it distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached the organist and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said..."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."


Did you know that if you stick your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them saying, "What are you doing?"


There are two nine story buildings neighboring each other. One neighbor yells to the other neighbor of the opposite house:
"Hey Michael, when is your birthday?” One neighbor yells to the other neighbor.
"May, why do you ask Alex?” The second neighbor asks in return.
"Because I know exactly what gift I’m going to give you."
"Ok Alex and what will it be?"
"Since the whole building sees everything whenever your wife blows you, I’ll be more than happy to provide you with window curtains."
"Fine, and when is your birthday?” The second neighbor asks the same question as the first neighbor did to him.
"July, why do you ask Michael?"
"Because I know exactly what gift I’m going to give you."
"And what will it be?"
"Binoculars of course. So you would be able to recognize who’s wife that woman is."


I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot.
The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."


What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy.


New Yorks' record days without homicide is a lie. Turns out the guy responsible for updating the homicide-toll has been found shot dead at his desk.


So, I was walking through the woods the other day, when I found a huge pile of gold coins.
But before I could grab any, a spirit appeared and said, "Be warned! This treasure is cursed. If you take all these coins, you'll turn into a dog!"
"So," I asked, "What if I just take some of the treasure?"
"Well, then I guess you'll just turn partially into a dog," said the spirit.
I had to think about it for a while. I mean, I really needed the money, but that curse, it gave me pause.


An English battleship is sailing near Ireland and receives a message: Irish: "SHIP, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH TO AVOID COLLISION"
British: "NEGATIVE, YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES SOUTH TO AVOID COLLISION"
Irish: "NEGATIVE, CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH TO AVOID COLLISION"
British: "NEGATIVE. WE ARE A BATTLESHIP THAT IS A PART OF THE ROYAL NAVY, WE ARE BACKED BY 5 DESTROYERS, 4 ADDITIONAL BATTLESHIPS, AND 2 AIRCRAFT CARRIERS."
Irish: "WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE. YOUR DECISION"


Someone called me lazy today, I almost replied.


A lady asked me if I thought she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depended on whether she was trying to kill Batman or not.