Saturday, March 14, 2015

2913 - Saturday jokes


My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that white and gold dress?"
I said, "It's not what it looks like!"


Books Never Written...
Take A Breather by Justin Hale
How to Become Famous by Anonymous
Living Long by Diane Perish
How to Get Rich by Robin A. Bank
I'm So Greedy by Jenna Russ
How to Drive a Manual Transmission by Otto Matic
How to be a Great Pilot by Mae Day
Where to Find Wildebeests By Sara N. Getti
Raising Kids by Bill E. Goat
Warriors of Feudal Japan by Sam A. Rye
Woodwind Instruments by Clara Net
Tragedy at the Grand Canyon by Eileen Dover
The Human Brain by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum
Deep in Debt by Owen A. Lott
The World is a Big Place by Mike Robe
Confessions of a Mental Patient by Justin Sane


You know what they say about people with an architecture fetish?
If you build it, they will come.


The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!


Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.


I lost my watch at a party once. I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch.


When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.
They were all pictures of me.


A loving grandfather always made a special effort to spend time with his 5 year old granddaughter on the weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take her for a drive in his car for some quality time --ice cream, pancakes, the park, the zoo-- just him and her.
One Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and couldn't get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter looked forward to their drives as much as he did and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned from the ride, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy you ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pop Pop, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole,...queer,...piece of shit,...horse's ass,...socialist left wing Obama love,...blind bastard,...dipshit,...camel humper,...peckerhead,...or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around, and grandma smiled at everyone she saw."


How is an Irish funeral different from an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'


At a recent job interview:
"What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?"
"Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not."
"And your strengths?"
"I'm Batman"


(Italian accent joke) One day ima wenna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, Im'a gonna back to Italy.


I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang my room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”


7 comments:

Bilbo said...

Sixteen sodium atoms. Oy.

John A Hill said...

Good ones!
Not on my watch!

Duckbutt said...

Those jokes delivered, as usual! Thanks for the laughs.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

After reading these, I'm grinning!

Cherdo said...

I've got my husband laughing at these - hilarious. The shortest ones really pack a punch, especially the last one.

Big Sky Heidi said...

The Batman theme!

Juliette said...

Those were totally enjoyable!