2934 - Saturday jokes

Last night the internet was not cooperating. I managed to sneak a few jokes out there in between the the red light moments on my router. Today the internet is back. So are Saturday jokes.

I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters.

My son just asked me, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"

I said, "It means to be happy" .

"Are you gay, dad?"

"No, son. I married your mother."

A frog needs a loan so he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks 'Okay, well what's your name?' The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of the musician Mick Jagger.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who wants a loan and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!'

Worrying works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hicks from a small town named Fife and a man from Sweden named Sven. So they had the final. The Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish that one of his teeth fell out. He couldn't eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. Sven kept on eating and ended up eating a total of nine tench fish.

The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

A woman is sitting on a bus, and 2 Italian immigrants come sit down in front of her, she overhears one speaking to the other:

"Fredo, Emma come-a first, Then-a I come-a, Then-a the two asses they come-a together, Then-a I come-a again, Then-a the two asses, they come-a together again, Then-a I come-a, Then-a pee 2 times, Then-a I come-a one last time."

Offended she gets up and scolds the two men "You foul mouthed abhorrent men, in this country we do not speak of such things in public!"

One of the men turn to her and say "What? I'm-a just-a tellin my friend-a how to-a spell-a Mississippi!"

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said, "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears, "Oh it's awful! Last month I won £10,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a topless model and 50 years younger than me! We got married last week and the sex is incredible! She caters to my every need and she waits on me hand and foot"!

"WOW"! Says the man, "You sound like you've got it made! So why all the crying"??

The old man looks up at him and cries out, "I can't remember where I live!!!"

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere from 4 hours to 30 seconds.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

What do you call a girl that sleeps with you for your Adderall?

A total attention whore.

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells amazing.

After a week of this she can't take it any longer. The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, what's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells amazing?

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Did you hear that Bruce Willis is going to star in a movie where he goes undercover as an elderly nun?

It's called Old Habits Die Hard.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

A Czech, visiting the USA, went for an eye checkup.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Czech: Read it!? I know the guy!

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team,

because I hate dealing with parents.