2948 - Saturday jokes

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Just after getting into bed, the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is'
Boy - 'I have football shoes.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK, How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your shoes and football, let's go outside and throw it around.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and shoes.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to whom?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't you start that shit again.'


Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.


'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you're looking for a club and a spade!'


One morning to spice things up, teacher decided to have a classroom drawing project. One person would start, then the next student would add to the drawing. She asked the students who wanted to start first, so little Johnny raised his hand. Knowing little Johnny had a disturbed mind, she decided to pick Suzie first.
"I drew a box on the ground!" Proclaimed little Suzie. http://imgur.com/PicyJVo
The teacher said it was a great start, and asked the next student to add on. Ignoring little Johnny teacher chose Billy.
"I turned the box into a house!" http://m.imgur.com/ZpuTHdE
The teacher thought it was wonderful, and went on to Timmy.
"I added the sun to shine down onto the house!" http://imgur.com/1xAiQfO
"Excellent" replied teacher. Still ignoring Johnny the teacher chose Jenny next.
"I added some snow on the roof because it's been such a snowy winter!" http://imgur.com/ChHorXe
By this point like Johnny could barely control himself. Teacher thought there was no way Johnny could ever turn this into a dirty picture, so he allowed him up to the chalkboard.
"This is my dad bending over in the shower to pick up the soap!" http://imgur.com/j3HvAoP


Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to sign up for an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."


My very attractive female doctor told me I had to stop masturbating.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I'm trying to examine you"


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.


A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma."


I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?


How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.


Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zippers.


A banker, a lawyer, and a statistician went deer hunting.
A deer appears.
The banker fired and hit 3 feet to the left of the deer.
The lawyer fired and hit 3 feet to the right of the deer.
The statistician exclaimed, "We got him!".


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...


An old guy drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down the highway pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Look, my shift ends in 30 minutes. It's Friday so if you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir."


An aspiring writer once said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now writes error messages for the Microsoft Corporation.


I used to date a hoarder but she broke up with me. That really stung ... I’m like the one thing she could get rid of.