2962 - Saturday jokes

Next week I have an MRI scheduled to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.



A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "It's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of his new motorcycle's chrome, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father jumps up and shouts, "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."



"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought... It wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!


I am sorry to be the baron of bad news, but you seem buttered, so allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies, and are more than just ice king on the cake. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite.
So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality.
I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.
Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the fax, instead of making a half-harded effort.
You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it's a peach of cake.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who saved a life.


A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head was very strong, may be very serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response: Who is Tina?


Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history.


So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships.
In HD was not the correct answer.


My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner was not the right answer.


Apparently when having an interview to be a PE teacher and the head asks why you want the job, saying "so that I can watch the girls run around and play netball in the rain" isn't the right answer.


A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple that the price would be €39.00.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost £2000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says that any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.


You don't need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.


A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller hoping for good news. The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you".
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! Where will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."


A husband and wife are grocery shopping.
The husband grabs a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks his wife.
"It's on sale, just $19.99!"
"Put it back, we can't afford it."
Dejected, the husband puts it back and they continue. A few aisles over, the wife picks out a face cream and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's $40, but it makes me beautiful and sexy for you", says the wife with a smile.
"So does the beer, and at half the price."

(Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.)


At 70 your libido slows down. You don't kid yourself and look at 25-year-olds anymore. Actually, you do, but they're out of focus, and by the time you get your glasses on, they're gone.