2969 - Saturday jokes

My racing snail has never won a race. So I took his shell off to make him more streamlined. Unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
...
Hey buddy, put the shell back on and watch that escargot.



A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck. He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we'd played a few holes when my wife hit a drive that sliced and drifted over into the dairy's pasture. All four of us searched and searched for that ball, but couldn't find it anywhere. Just as we were about to give up, I noticed something white under one cow's tail. I lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball in the cow's vagina. So, I pointed at it and said 'Hey honey, this looks like yours'.


I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.


A blonde had been thinking about suicide. One day she comes home and says "Today is the day I will hang myself." She leaves behind a suicide note for her husband on the table which read "I'm sorry honey, I cannot go on any longer." The husband comes home and sees the note and runs outside in a panic. He sees his wife hanging from a tree. "Honey, what are you doing? Come down from there!" With which she replied "No! I'm hanging myself!" The husband says "Why is the rope around your waist? It's supposed to go around your neck!" To which she replies "I tried that! I couldn't breathe!"


What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth.


A group of blondes walk into a bar. They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says "51 DAYS!"
Curious, he walks over to the celebrating group, and notices something even odder; a children's jigsaw puzzle with about 20 pieces at most, completed and sitting in a beautiful frame. He taps one of the blondes on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," he says, "But what is the big celebration for?"
With a big grin on her face, she points down at the puzzle.
"We're celebrating our success! See that puzzle? It said "2-4 Years" on the box, but we did it in 51 days!"


I told my son about the birds and the bees.
He told me about my wife and the mail man.


Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"


What's your blud type bob?
Typo


An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.


Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. “Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.” “That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”! Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!” “What was his name?” asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father…” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’ “


Don't iron your four leaf clovers.
You don't want to press your luck.


I don't swear because I'm religious.
I swear because I'm pissed.