3032 - Saturday jokes

My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.
I told her choose one, I can't do both.


My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.


Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?" "Tiny." The woman replies. "Why tiny?" The barman inquires. "Because he's my newt."


Capitalization is important. It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."


My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.


I would never let my kids watch a musical.
Too much sax and violins.....
...Well that was a drum joke.
Actually, it was a well orchestrated pun.
You guys are going down a treblesome path.
Come on. Did you guys even reed the joke?
I did; I even made notes.
Sometimes I get the feeling we don't know how to conductor ourselves.
Just don't be so brass.
This harpens to be a very funny joke.


Have you heard about Polish Roulette?
It's played exactly the same way as Russian Roulette, except with a semi-automatic pistol.


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.


How do you know you're at a redneck wedding?
Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church.


A Pirate captain is on the high seas with his crew. Suddenly, his first mate comes running up to him in a panic. "Captain! Five British warships have been spotted! They are headed directly for us, battle is inevitable." The captain strokes his grizzled beard and replies, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate is puzzled but obliges. He returns with the shirt, which the captain puts on. "Why do you want your red shirt captain?" "Because, in the upcoming battle, I don't want me crew to see me bleeding from any wounds I may suffer. The red shirt will help hide that!" The pirates do battle with the Brits and miraculously, they win and live to sail another day. A few weeks later the first mate comes running up to the captain again. "Captain! Twenty British warships have been spotted! They are heading directly for us!" The captain ponders for a minute, then says, "Bring me my brown pants!"


What do you call a man with no shins?
Toe-Knee...
What do you call a:
Man with no arms or legs that's in a pile of leaves?
Russel
Man with no arms or legs that's in the ocean?
Bob
Man with no arms or legs in front of your door?
Matt
Man with no arms or legs that's on a wall?
Art
Woman with one leg standing by a wall?
Eileen
Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene
Two guys with no arms or legs hanging on either side of a window?
Kurt and Rod
Woman walking into court?
Sue
Man with no arms no legs stuck under a car?
Jack