3102 - Saturday jokes

I thought of starting an origami business but was too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.


A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied, "get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.


What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom’s maiden name.
Then login and read all their emails.


A man goes to see a film and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book."


Did you hear about the teacher who never farted in class?
It turns out she was a private tooter.


Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd all leave a few minutes after her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"


A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"


A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of whisky.
The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."
The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."
"Oh, well, that's a different story," the owner says. He wraps up a bottle of his best and hands it to her, waving away her attempt to pay for it.
On his way home, he walks past the convent and sees the nun, drunk as a skunk, doing cartwheels on the lawn. He runs up to her. "Sister, how could you? You said the whisky was to help your Mother Superior's constipation!"
"It will, it will," the nun mutters. "When she sees me, she's just going to shit!"


Recently, I've managed to get really into crosswords. Like those really cryptic ones you get in the weekend papers. I get really intense about them, though, and can't stand starting a new one until I've finished the last one. I refuse to use dictionaries and things on principle, and I'll sit and ponder them until something comes along.
Anyway, I'd been working on one for about a month straight, stuck on one last clue. I'd stopped going to work, stopped bathing, shaving. I barely ate, barely slept. I was pretty sure my girlfriend had left me because it had been a bit quiet, but I couldn't be sure.
Most of my mates had abandoned me, except my friend from Jamaica- good guy, great friend.
So, he came round to visit me, takeaway curry in hand, and sat down next to me. It took me a moment, but I realised he was there, and looked up at him.
"Come on", he said, "you've got to give up. It's not good for you. You're....". He trailed off after that, but that 'twirly finger by the ear' thing everyone knows means 'damn, mate, you're insane'.
"I can't", I replied through my luxurious crossword-beard, "I need to finish this one last thing, and then....and then I'll be fine. Fine. Promise"
He sighed, and shook his head, but gestured anyway. "Alright, what is it?"
"Great in scale and size. Awe-inspiring. Impressive. Ten letters"
"Monumental"
"No I'm not, I just really want to finish this crossword".

(OK here's the last jokes pre punch line decoded - 'man your mental')


What do you call a stuck-up criminal walking down some stairs?
A condescending con descending.


I recently joined a group for ambidextrous people.
It didn't feel right, so I left.


So Bob is having some issues in the bedroom. Bob and his wife were getting tired of it, it's really starting to hurt their marriage. Bob decides to take the second half of his day off work and head to the doctor searching for a solution. "Well Doc, it's just happening too fast and I can't seem to get it under control, any ideas?" "Well Bob, a trick you can try for now is a simple one, whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." Bob leaves the doctors feeling reassured, what a brilliant plan he thought, on his way home he started to brainstorm - what could reliably startle him? He passed a gun shop on the way home and it clicked, a starter pistol! He pulls in excitedly and picks up his new secret weapon. Deciding to abandon any other errands he had, Bob went straight home, it was finally time to make things right with his wife! Surprising her with his early arrival, she was already naked and ready to go. Before long they were 69ing and he felt the urge, so he fired the pistol!
The next day he went to the doctors and the Doc asked, "Well, how did it go?" "Horrible Doc, when I fired the pistol my wife bit off 3 inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my naked neighbour jumped out of our closet with his hands up!"


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types to which the saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills."


What color is someone's aura when they're about to die?
Cyan Aura.


A guy hangs a poster in his office. "I'M THE BOSS, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"
He returns from lunch and finds a slip on his desk: "Your wife called, she said to bring her poster back."