3179 - Saturday jokes

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? " "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" She answered: "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.


"Yoda, are we on the right track?"
"Off course, we are."


Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.


Einstein developed a theory about space,
and it was about time, too.


As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. That made me think, "I really need a new boat."


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife !' Now that won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ' I won the prize for the best toast of the night.' She said 'Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife'. Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,' John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.


I asked a road-kill removal specialist if he would donate to my charity.
He said he might be able to scrape together a few bucks.


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence', the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


I spent the whole night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.


Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts, 'I'll do the damn dishes!'


I would tell a joke about Jehovah's witnesses.
But nobody likes knock-knock jokes.