3186 - Saturday jokes

What do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.


Donald Trump is proof that internet comments can turn into a human and run for a president.


My husband called me a cow when I was lactating.
I hope there's some women on my parole board.


Medical Definitions Definition

Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Cesarean Section   A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan Searching for kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Colic             A sheep dog.
Coma            A punctuation mark.
D & C         Where the White House is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G. I. Series      World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain         Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day.
Node              Was aware of.
Outpatient         A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear         A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Darn near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine             Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Nearby, close by.
Vein              Conceited


"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."
"Was it something I said?"


A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."


A Japanese woman went to the bank to exchange yen to US dollars.
The teller gave her $100.
A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.
She said, "What wrong? I give yen, yu only give 90 dorrah?!"
The teller shrugged and said, "Fluctuations?"
The woman said, "Well fluck yu white peopre too."


It's disappointing that the word "stealth" doesn't have a silent letter in it. If it did it should be subtle.


"I'm thinking of running a marathon again." I told my friend.
"You've run a marathon before?" she asked.
I said, "No, but I've thought about it before."


What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A new last name.