3455 - Saturday jokes

Spelling bee judge, "Spell the word their."
Contestant, "Sentence please."
Judge, "They're going to build their house over there."


One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to say,
"Samsung has had that feature for years”.


A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father. The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father, "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back, "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"


I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."


Bruce Willis went shopping and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherf****r!"
Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.
He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."


Gunfire reported at track and field event.
They said it was race related.


If two vegetarians are arguing,
is it considered a beef?


The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".


Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again.
I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.


My top 5 (in no particular order),
1 - 3
2 - 5
3 - 2
4 - 4
5 - 1


I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.
I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.


I want anarchy!
Because my keyboard is missing one.


My only talent is sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.


I told myself I should stop drinking. But I'm not about to listen to some drunk that talks to himself.