3483 - Saturday jokes

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.


"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain


An old man is walking by a river. A little frog calls to him, "I'm a magic frog. Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. And I'm REALLY friendly, if you know what I mean!" The man grabs the frog and zips her into his pocket. The frog yells, "Hey, you forgot to kiss me! Don't you want to find out how friendly I really am?" The old man answers, "To be honest, I'd rather just have a talking frog."


There was a priest who was "selling forgiveness". A woman comes through and tells him that she had sex 5 times. She asks for forgiveness and gives him five dollars. Another woman comes. She pays him 6 dollars because she had sex 6 times. The priest suddenly has something to do and notices a man behind him who had been watching, so the priest asks the man to replace him while he is gone. When the priest finishes he comes back and notices the man having sex with a woman in the church, and begins yelling at the man. The man says, "Sorry, Father! She had a ten dollar bill and I didn't have any change!"


On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.




Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head, "No, I'm sorry, it won't", he says. The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"


A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit. He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart. He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?" The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir!" The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?" The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way! When I get out of the service, I will not wait in line for anything! Sir!"


I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of Chapstick.
She's still not talking to me.