3511 - Saturday jokes

How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?
One pence.


If a rich man dies from a drug overdose,
the headline should read, "Pills bury dough boy".


Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven. However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating. St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven." The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get into heaven? All she did was pee!" St. Peter says, "A flush always beats a pair."


Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!


My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got real mad and said that she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.


I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there's no money in there.


I heard 9/10 people are really dumb.
I'm so glad to be part of the 1%.


A Scotsman moves to London.
“How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
“It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.”
“Never you mind,” says his mother, “don’t you let them get to you, just ignore them.”
“Aye, that I do,” he says, “I just keep playing my bagpipes.”


Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husband : (turns mixer on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you? Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: (turns mixer on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: OK my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him,
"Son, where is your father?"
Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixer.


Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated."
And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?"


What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.


A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."