3497 - Saturday jokes

My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Well, I've got some news for her.


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The performer notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands on a large wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"


José moved from Mexico to the US and wanted to experience a baseball game. Unable to get into the stadium, he shinned up a flagpole outside, but it was a bit of a struggle to get a decent view.
Afterwards, though, he was effusive about the experience: "American people are so considerate! Right at the start they all turned to me and asked, 'José, can you see?'"


Russian Joke: A little girl goes up to her mother and asks her,
"Mommy, why does everyone say my face looks like an ass?"
Her mother replies, "Oh honey no, you're beautiful! Don't listen to them, just go talk to your father."
So the little girl finds her father and asks him, "Papa, why does everyone say that my face looks like an ass?"
And her father replies, "No honey,don't listen to them. You're my beautiful little princess! Why don't you go talk to your grandfather? He's outside digging a well nearby."
So the little girl goes outside and finds the well, which her grandfather is inside of, digging. She leans over the edge and shouts down the well, "Grandpa! Grandpa!"
So her Grandfather looks up and shouts, "DON'T SHIT! DON'T SHIT!!!"


A naked woman robbed a bank yesterday.
Nobody could remember her face.


I started a cold air balloon business.
I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.


There once was a very wealthy man who was near death. He was very upset because he had worked so hard for his riches for such a long time that he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray. God heard his plea and spoke to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." "Please God, I have worked so long, and so hard, for so many years. I have lost my wife, my kids, my dog, my health, even my happiness because of it. It is all I have left." God understood and said. "If it means that much to you, I will allow you one suitcase." Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it to the brim with pure gold bars. He then placed it beside his bed and died in peace.
Soon afterward the man showed up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and was greeted by St.Peter. St. Peter was happy to see the man but was puzzled by the suitcase, "We welcome you with open arms but we don't allow you to bring your personal belongings." "I realize this is not your normal policy but I was given the authority by God that I may bring one suitcase with me." "I see." said St. Peter. "Let's open it then."
St. Peter opened the suitcase, curious to see what worldly goods the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "YOU BROUGHT PAVEMENT?!"


"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."


Just bought a thesaurus and when I looked, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am!