3525 - Saturday jokes

My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words.
He said I had to reduce the stress in my life.


Statistics are like a bikini on a beautiful woman.
What it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.


My friend was harassing me with bird puns.
But toucan play at that game.
....
Oh come on, now you're just parroting his jokes.
Not owl of them.
But most were still pretty fowl.
Don't go Robin me of my puns!
You lyre.
There are a peck of a lot of bird puns in this thread.
Oops! One flew over the coocoo's nest!
Oh crow up guys.
These puns are not ocray.
Here's comes another one...better duck.
This post seems like a cheep way to pass the time.
Get the flock out of here.
Nice tits!
Give it a nest already!


"Give me a T."
"T"
"Give me a T."
"T"
"Never mind. I'll just go to another cafe."


A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.
He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.


An man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says, "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The Man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The Woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies, "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 Dollars for the ride here and back."


"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted to.
I was keeping the umbrella.


Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth.
It's unsettling.


So I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said, "Thank you."
I said, "Don't mention it."


Why don't black people dream?
The last one who had a dream got shot.


During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my Pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.