3553 - Saturday jokes

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun.
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.


What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole, obviously.


My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.
So I just packed my bags and right.
It was the left thing to do.


I stayed at my girlfriends family's place during the Christmas break.
Her father was being a jerk and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.


What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit.


A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,
He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.
But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me'.
The little girl screams to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT, IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"


A robot man walks into a robot restaurant.
A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".


I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia.
I've since decided to cut Thais with her.


When my toaster broke, my wife left me.
I guess she was lack toast intolerant.


My doctor told me I have 2 months to live.
So I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years.


I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies.
He asked, "What do you do in your free time".
To which I responded, "I stalk people".
"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".
"I know"


A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"