3672 - Saturday jokes

The leaders of Russia, Australia and the US all go to Hell
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what it's is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Vladimir Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a check.
Malcolm Turnbull calls Australia and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a check.
Finally Donald Trump gets his turn and talks for 3 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Trump just smiles.
Turnbull and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Trump got to call the US for only 25 cents?
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."


A teacher asks her young students what their favorite toys are.
"Mine's a choo-choo train!" shouts one student.
"Very good, but let's please use big people words." says the teacher.
"Mine's a dolly!" shouts a little girl.
"You mean a doll. Grown up words, please."
A kid at the back of the class raises his hand and shouts, "My favorite toy is Winnie the Shit!"


I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop. "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off", he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little bastard", I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.


So I started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction.
It was a total flop, nobody came.


I used to be a man in a woman's body.
Then I was born.


When she eats soup you will always find Reese Witherspoon.


"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa?"
"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter!"
"Thanks dad!"
"No problem Alan."


My son lost his first tooth today.
That'll teach him to talk back.


After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I did it!


Today I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me.
Being a life guard can be so confusing sometimes.