3693 - Saturday jokes

Why will congress never impeach Trump?
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.


How much does Trump's assassination insurance cost?
One Pence.


Ooooooh.... etching...
No wonder asking a girl over to see my itching never worked.


Mercedes is the Cadillac of cars.


A service man finds a scorpion in his tent.
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.


I told my hot co-worker how I felt, and she felt the same way.
So I turned on the Air Conditioner.


Three nuns are talking. The first one says, "Do you know what I found in the Father's room the other day? A stack of pornographic magazines!" The second nun says, "I can top that! I was in his room the other day, and I found a whole packet of condoms! I poked holes in all of them!" The third nun says, "Oh shit!".


What do you call this?
esgg
egsg
gseg
segg
...Scrambled eggs.


You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant.
If it floats its boy ant.


Boss: Do you know why I called you in here?
Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic
Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine) Accidentally?


The kid next door challenged me to a water fight.
Right now I'm waiting for the water to boil.


Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection, except one.
He's never gonna give you Up.


I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.
Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.


Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a body wash called "Knees and Toes."


If you think about it everyone in life gets at least one participation trophy... it's called a tombstone.