3735 - Saturday jokes

What do you call children born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.


Today the inventor of auto-correct died.
Restaurant in peace.


Dad: Happy birthday! You're 3!
Daughter: I'm 2!
Dad: Birthdays make you older.
Daughter: No they don't.
Wife: I agree.


When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"
The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".
The man asked "Can I please speak to him?", but to his surprise, the small voice whispered "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "What about your Mommy, is she there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Growing a bit concerned, the boss asked "Is there anyone there besides you?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me!"


A girl brings her boyfriend to meet her dad...
Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy ass?
Boyfriend: ...
Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job.
Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you.


In my community we have a neighborhood watch.
It's actually more like a clock tower.


I still remember my grandpa's last words.
Will you stop playing with that shotgun?


Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?


I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her and she fell over.


A man walks into Target. He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."


If the number 666 is considered evil,
does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?


What do you call a waffle on a California beach?
A Sandy Eggo.