3753 - Wednesday jokes

These are lasting longer than I thought. Let the jokes continue...
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Q: What is brown and sticky? A: A stick

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...

Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their butt with an IPad.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Yawning is your bodies way of saying 10% battery remaining.

There is no way to aggressively say "tater tots". Try it.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793: You were too lazy to read that number.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.

I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same thing, while a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites?

Autocorrect made me say things I didn’t nintendo.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive salvation!”. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I got laser eye surgery last week and I still can’t shoot lasers out of my eyes. Should I ask for a refund?

I hate how chocolates immediately melt on my fingers. I mean, am I THAT hot?

Let’s eat grandpa. Let’s eat, grandpa. Punctuation saves lives.

When I get a car I want it to be a slug bug. That way everywhere I go I know people are being punched.

Math. The only place where someone can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why.