3910 - Saturday jokes

What do you call an angry mob of sheep?
Users with an old iPhone.


“A man returned for the third time to the dentist to get his dental appliance replaced due to corrosion.
The dentist asked if he ate a highly acid diet, or was fond of citrus, etc.
The man replied that his wife made an excellent holllandaise sauce that was so good he put it on just about everything, and of course it has a lot of lemon juice in it.
"OK" the dentist said, "I have just the thing. I'll order a new one made with chromium"
"That will fix it?" the man asked.
"Absolutely", the dentist replied
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise".


This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".
I said, "It's sedate."


A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."
His mom asks, "Why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "Yes, but grandma is."


The other day I wondered why anyone would smoke knowing it could give them cancer in a few years, but then I remembered I just ate flaming hot buffalo wings knowing full well it's going to destroy my asshole tonight.


Today was more fun than a pay toilet in a diorea ward.


I was breastfed until 3.
But enough about my day, how was yours?


Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.


So I met a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now".
So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.
We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.


A wife gets naked and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! My pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'


I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electric bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electric company. They were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again.


We were having a fire drill at the sperm bank today.
But everyone gathered in the parking lot before the alarm went off.
It was a premature evacuation.