3924 - Saturday jokes

In the annual gay vs straight basketball game, the gay team has prevailed with their superior ball handling skills in a come from behind victory.


Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat.
Then I remember they feed off of attention.


Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:
Just five more minutes.


Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?
Poetry!


I have Abs
olutely wasted my gym membership.


I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
Some days I just sit at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself.


Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"


An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage.
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."


If someone is a vegan and does CrossFit, which do they have to tell you first?


If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up, they'd be alloys.


My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.


A notoriously bad stage actor died recently. The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.