4057 - Saturday jokes

There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.
The Swiss Army Wives.


Hey, I'm walking in the woods and can't talk right now.
Bear with me.


Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”


I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, "They're behind you".


My girlfriend told me that having a small dick was not a problem.
But I dunno... I kind of wish she didn't have one.


I once toured an mental asylum.
I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.
'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the tub of the water.'
'Oh I get it! A sane person would use a bucket because it holds the most water.'
'No, the sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"


If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan.
Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat.


Talking about gender is like talking about the twintowers.
Once there were two and now its a sensitive topic.


A man threw milk at me today.
How dairy.


When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.


I'm writing a book called "Stop Overreacting".
If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.


Waiter, this coffee taste like mud!
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!